In these dark days of widespread emasculation, mankind has little hope to save us from metrosexual doom. Only one thing stands between true, sports-loving men and a life filled with personal waxing and antique shopping.

Science.

That's right - red-blooded American men now depend on a bunch of lab coat wearing geeks to save the things we hold dear. Things like football six nights a week, and beer seven nights a week.

Through my vast contacts in the scientific community, I have obtained the single tool that will help save us from a never-ending hell of pomades and bold striped shirts: the Manalyzer. Developed, tested, and perfected over twenty years in a secret lab, the Manalyzer provides the only definitive test of masculinity. The Manalyzer provides an accurate, (mostly) unbiased assessment of anything and everything in our culture – football, Spin Williams, tv, internet columnists – if you can name it, the Manalyzer can judge it.

I am offering the wisdom of the Manalyzer for free. The world is becoming a more effeminate place by the minute, so there is much need for the Manalyzer now. But I can't risk exposing it too widely yet for fear of the feminists. For now, I will have to be content using the powers of man-analysis to judge milquetoast Bill Simmons. Maybe someday I will be able to unleash the Manalyzer on society in its full glory, but I fear that it may be too late.

Heed the wisdom of the Manalyzer, and save yourself from an awful fate. Scorn it – scorn science – at your own peril. Remember, this is our only hope!