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Published on September 4, 2006 by Greg for the Ex-'Burgher. Check out the Archives!
It's part two of our take on the Pirates and free agency. Last week, Dr. Burgher took a look at what the Bucs MIGHT have done last season. This week, Greg picks a team without regard for logic, salaries, or good taste. I don’t play fantasy baseball. I just don’t have the attention span to think about whether I should be starting Cory Lidle or Randy Wolf on a Tuesday, and I don’t have the patience to pore over the waiver wire hoping Chris Ray will become available so I can throw him on my keeper list for the next year. Besides, it’s enough work just following the Bucs. I’d rather just enjoy the other players I like throughout the league, rather than having to pore over their OPS. But now that the Pirates have locked up another losing season. I don’t want to talk about numbers, salaries, cheap owners, flopping prospects, botched trades or one-year, washed-up mercenaries. I want a fantasy. Instead of thinking about who the Pirates could have, who they could afford, or who is even available, I’d like to pretend—just for a minute—that the Bucs could be whoever I want. Here’s what I came up with. CF: Eric Byrnes
Fun Fact: There should be some kind of law that states that only people with red hair may be named Eric. Seriously, what a stupid name. RF: Jose Guillen
Fun Fact: I do not know if Jose Guillen has a cool fire tattoo on his arm. LF: Jason Bay
Fun Fact: Jay Mohr once said “AmazaCrazy” in an SNL sketch making fun of Aerosmith song titles. 3B: Paste from Bases Loaded
For those who don’t remember (or who didn’t play the game), the GlueMan was an absolute MONSTER when you got the game, smashing balls out of Bases Loaded’s 63-acre park with ridiculous regularity. But then one day, he’d just stop hitting, like a “lost 30 pounds in the offseason” major leaguer of today. So here’s the strategy: The Bucs sign the guy while he’s young, play him juuuuust about until he’s washed up, and then trade him to the Padres for Jason Bay. Perfect. Fun Fact: This third baseman is delicious. SS: Freddy Sanchez
Fun Fact: Hey Jon Miller, Freddy Sanchez is about as Spanish as Taco Bell, so stop pronouncing his name like that. 2B: Jose Castillo
Jose Castillo is that man now. Hitting a little better each year, Jose’s finally starting to put together his power, and the splinters in his fingers shows that he knows it. There may be better second baseman who hit for a higher average or for more power and field a little more cleanly, but Jose Castillo swings fucking hard, so screw you Brian Roberts. Fun Fact: Warren Morris is not dead. Seriously. 1B: Julio Franco
Fun Fact: Julio Franco’s batting stance is the Jack Nicholson of batting stances. Everyone has an imitation of it. C: Ronnie Paulino
Fun Fact: In my first ever post for this site, I said that Ryan Doumit should play third base, but the Pirates would keep trying to stick him behind the plate. Still true. SP: Oliver Perez
Fun Fact: To “born” cookies, throw in lots of junk, turn up the heat (LOTSA heat), and then kick a laundry cart and break your toe. Serves 6. SP: Boof Bonser
Fun Fact: Boof Bonser is named Boof Bonser. RP: Tom Candiotti
Fun Fact: My favorite cookies are amaretti. Make a note of it. Closer: Mike Gonzalez
Fun Fact: What the fuck are those glasses that Rodriguez wears anyway. Bench: Pokey Reese, IF
Corey Hart, OF
Manager: Tony Pena
First Base coach: Andy Van Slyke.
‘Nuff said. ----Greg Back to the Ex-'Burgher. |
For all the talk about how we need a power bat at first base, I don’t think we hear enough about how the Pirates need a completely bat-shit centerfielder. Since the Reds seem to have a pretty firm hold on Ryan Freel and his imaginary friend, and Aaron Rowand has the nasty habit of mangling his body while making a catch, I’ve chosen the totally bytchin’ Byrnes to anchor the outfield. Not only does the guy play the kind of pants-on-fire style that gets me geeked, but he also yanks streaking fans from the stands, saving the club on security costs. Also, I’m really into the letter “Y.” IF I let him keep his first name (see his Fun Fact, below), it will definitely be in his contract that he change the spelling, Skynyrd style, to Eryc Byrnys.
A friend recently asked me to name my favorite Pirate that I’ve ever watched. I didn’t pick Jose Guillen, but I came damned close to doing so. Very few Bucs have ever made every defensive play they were involved in so exciting: Back when Jose was a Pirate, you never knew if his Howitzer right arm was going to hurl the ball on the third base bag or fifteen rows into the stands. As he matured into his body, he found a more accurate arm and started to hit the ball with great regularity. So while the Bucs hung onto guys like Freddy Garcia (you know, the non-pitcher, non-good Freddy Garcia), guys like Guillen bloomed elsewhere when they SHOULD have been making glittering plays in right field at PNC, not unlike another notable Buc.
I have exhausted every superlative I have on this guy since the Bucs acquired him, and I won’t stop here: Jason Bay is the most best incredible number one super amaza-crazy outfielder.
I don’t remember what position Paste played, as I wasn’t really into keeping track of where digital ballplayers lined up defensively in the Nintendo days. But no matter: The Bucs seem to stick anybody they don’t have a spot for at the hot corner, so I think we can find a spot for the greatest video game slugger in history here.
Yes, I realize he’s not going to hit .340 every year, and yes, I realize he never walks, and yes, I realize he has very little power, but I want Freddy Sanchez on my team because fuck you. He has a club foot and my mom really likes him, and he actually ENJOYS playing baseball. So sue me for liking the guy.
Back when the Pirates had Arama-lama-ding-dong, Dr. Burgher and I used to get really excited when he’d come to the plate in two out, bases empty situations. It was at these times that Ramirez would grip the bat so tight that it seemed it would splinter his hands, and we’d cry “SWING HARD!” as he took gargantuan, ridiculous-looking cuts intended to hit the ball to the Highmark building. It was awesome.
For a team that’s always in search of a power-hitting first baseman, the Bucs sure seem to have some stinkers at the 1B. Just off the top of my head, here are a few guys I can remember manning first for the Bucs in the past 10 years or so: Sean Casey, Kevin Young, Mark Johnson, Mark Smith, Jose Hernandez, Rob Mackowiak. So shut up and be happy that I picked Julio Franco. Yes, he’s older than my Dad, but he is not hurt and he is not Kevin Young.
Ronnie Paulino throws like Humberto Cota, hits like a young Pudge Rodriguez and is shaped like James Farrior. The power will come, and it’s only a matter of time before he starts sacking people more often.
I am not going to take this opportunity to complain again about trading a guy with virtually unlimited upside (who might just be ANOTHER guy having WBC hangover) for half of Craig Wilson Lite (who I am starting to like, if only because you can sing “X Gonna Give it To Ya” when he gets a hit). Instead, I’m going to take this opportunity to complain that the Pirates pitching staff is missing two key things without Oliver Perez: 1) With Ollie’s departure, none of the starters wear high socks and 2) none of the starters are in commercials where they talk about “borning” cookies because they throw really hard.
Earlier this season, my Dad called me, sounding so excited that I thought he’d found a free Chevy Lumina or something. Instead, it turns out that he’d gone to a Pirates/Twins game the night before, and had seen a guy named Boof Bonser pitch. He was so geeked about this guy’s name that he made me write it down and look him up while he explained to me that Bonser had his first name LEGALLY changed to Boof. He’s not the best of the Twins’ young arms, but he is the only one named for the sound of being punched in the stomach.
I’ve never understood how or why knuckleballers retire, unless they’ve made enough money to buy the Philippines or something and have decided to retire to a life of six-year old girls. Candiotti’s stints with the Dodgers and A’s just seemed to end one day, so I’m thinking I’ll pry the TK-year old back from Manila and have him hurl a couple for the Bucs. Why? Well, I can’t think of the last time there was a knuckleballer in the NL, and Candiotti’s the only one with such a nice Italian name. Hopefully, his grandmother will make me cookies a lot.
I saw Gonzalez’s first game as a Pirate, and immediately fell in love with the guy. I have no recollection of how he pitched that day, but I DO remember that he slammed a double into left-center in his first major league at-bat. I thought about picking Francisco Rodriguez in this spot, but the fact that people call him K-Rod paired with the fact that, hey, the Pirates actually have a closer who doesn’t blow saves tips things to Gonzo.
Real quick: When Pokey Reese was a Pirate, he used to come to the plate to Ludacris’ “Saturday” (the “Coo! Coo!” song). True Story.
Real quick: Contractually obligated to wear sunglasses at night.
Tony Pena made the Royals have a .500 record a couple of years ago AND he’s a former Pirate AND he might take some cues from Ozzie Guillen and start telling everyone that he makes decisions because fuck you. It’s a win-win, really.