Carson Palmer is a great NFL quarterback. Chad Johnson is “charming.” What a phenomenal defense they’ve got there in the Queen City...

The Bengals are for real.

Wait...what?

We’re talking about the Bengals? The ones from Cincinnati? The horribly uniformed, first pick in the draft every year Bengals?

If you listen to anyone on TV, radio, the internet or in print, that seems to be the case. At 4-0 (for the first time since their last Super Bowl appearance!), the laughingstock of the NFL (no longer the laughingstock of the NFL!) is now the media’s favorite squad. Cincy sits at number three in ESPN’s NFL Power Rankings. They’re being chosen in “The Eliminator” on Countdown. And if you search “The Bengals are for Real” in Google News, you’ll crash their server: It's the most popular headline since “Man Lands On Moon.”

And it’s not like it’s all bandwagoners getting into the act. Cincy’s two consecutive 8-8 seasons are the most celebrated “not losing!” seasons in the history of ANY sport. And at the onset of the 2005 campaign, I read in no fewer than three season predictions that the Bengals would not just break the 9-win plateau, but would win the AFC North (I will not even entertain the “Steelers are going to miss the playoffs” portions of those). It’s like if after years of “Dude, Where’s My Car?” and “A Lot Like Love,” Ashton Kutcher came on with one or two movies that weren’t completely repulsive…and A.O. Scott tried to hand the guy an Oscar. Something just doesn’t fit.

What’s worse than all of this is that the disease seems to be contagious. Now that it’s gotten through to every media outlet, the “Bengals are the Real Deal” disease is spreading throughout the nation. Chad Johnson jerseys are popping up all over. I can’t walk through a bar without seeing a hapless fan in post-“I tried to order a custom T.J. Houshmanzadeh jersey online...who knew how much those things were per letter?”-shock. But I thought this outbreak would stay under control. I thought that, that is, until...

Sunday, September 24. Durkin’s Chicago, one of the Second City’s great Steeler establishments. The Steelers have just scored a touchdown to take the lead against the Patriots. IC Light is flowing, fists are pumping and some weird old guy is taking ANOTHER girl for a polka around the bar. A group of Bengals fans walk in, their team’s victory over Chicago already sealed. A tall guy in a Chad Johnson jersey leans in to a blond in a Big Ben jersey and…

No way. That couldn’t happen. Oh my God…

…he kissed her. And she didn’t hit him. Didn’t scream. Didn’t ask another Steeler fan to throw down with him atop a water tower.

She…LIKED it.

…

What in the name of Carl Pickens is going on? Has the whole world gone CRAZY?????

Before you go out and do what I immediately wanted to do, let’s slow down for a second. At times like these, it’s best to think rationally. To clear your head. To lay all the facts out in front of you, make sure you’re seeing what you think you’re seeing.

Yes, the Bengals are 4-0. They’re scoring 26 points per game. And they lead the league in takeaways, with 17. But things are not always as they seem.

In 13 contests, Cincy’s first four opponents have a combined three wins. Those three wins came against teams with three total wins. So while they’ve won, they haven’t exactly been facing off with the NFL elite.

And the takeaways deceive you as well, until you remember the QBs they’ve been picking. I’m not going to pick on Cleveland (right this second), so let’s move on to Chicago, where a QB who couldn’t keep his starting job at Purdue was starting only his second career game. NFL defenses—good, bad, Bengal—are going to be faster, stronger, better and more complex than college D’s. And Orton spent most of training camp slated as the team’s number three (before the injury to the Glassman), so he hasn’t gotten the reps necessary to understand his whole playbook, no less opposing defensive schemes.

If Cincy’s D isn’t as good as advertised, they’ve still got that 26 ppg O, right? (I’ll spare you the “Defense wins championships, offense buys tickets" garbage) Good teams should beat bad teams, and the Bengals did so convincingly in their first three contests, using the O to beat the Browns, Vikings and Bears by 14, 29 and 17, respectively.

But there’s a question that does bring me some hope: Do good teams beat REALLY bad teams just because of a bad call? For those who watched the Steelers squish Houston (and if you’re reading this, I can only assume you did), you know the Texans aren’t much of a team. Their quarterback holds the ball too long behind a line that isn’t giving him enough time anyway. Despite the addition of Philip Buchanon, the secondary leaves a lot to be desired, and the biggest name on their front seven is Jamie Sharper.

So when Cincinnati only beats a team this bad by six-and only does so because an incompletion was ruled a fumble-the sun comes out in Ex-‘Burgh. Birds sing. And my neighbor doesn’t steal the front page and leave only the “Tempo” section. If the Bengals can’t manhandle Houston, the only corner they’ve turned is down a dead end street. So while they’re rejoicing over skyline chili in Cincy and slapping on orange in Bristol, don’t expect tiger stripes in the playoffs.

All is still right with the world: The road to the AFC North championship goes down the Ohio River, but not very far.

----Greg

Back to the Ex-'Burgher.