It is hard (at least for me) to concentrate on sports or other diversions in times of crisis. I didn’t want to watch the NFL the first weekend after 9/11. Had I been alive at the time, I probably would have kept the weekend after JFK’s assassination sports-free. This week, I am having trouble even thinking about sports, and the reason why is known by very few. My trouble is certainly not personal, and many, many more people should share my concerns, because we are facing a potentially worldwide crisis. The real-life version of "Skynet" might already exist.

Earlier this week, Carnegie Mellon University announced plans for a "Robot City" that will capitalize on the university’s efforts in robotics research. On the surface, this seems like a harmless plan. CMU is the world leader in robotics research, and the university is hopeful that this research can lead to a series of university spin-offs that commercialize CMU robotic technology. Despite this elite status, the robotics labs are housed in an old garage. The garage is scheduled for demolition, and will be replaced by a new building housing CMU’s other top-dog program, computer science, funded by none other than Bill Gates.

In order to obtain more space, the robotics labs are moving to the old LTV site along the Monongahela River. (I can personally attest from my own doctorate-seeking experience that there is no more space on CMU’s campus. The Gates building will sit along the edge of a ravine, as does the Collaborative Innovation Center built in 2004-2005. Pitt and CMU are fighting for the remaining scraps of land in Oakland, and both are now branching out to Hazelwood because it is the only city neighborhood close to Oakland that has some available real estate.) If the story ended here, I would feel safe. Several research groups from CMU moved to a building adjacent to the proposed site for Robot City in 2003 because of a lack of lab space on campus. Unfortunately for us, there is more to tell.

According to Robot City’s official web site, robotcity.org, organizers expect robots to build the city. According to a January press release, “The vision of robot city is that robots will share the work of development. There is rubble to clear, earth to move, road to grade and a "great wall" to dismantle.” This might explain the selection of a site that still holds the rusting hulk of a coke oven and requires environmental remediation. Robots are already put to work in hazardous environments, and we should expect an increase in the number of dangerous tasks performed robotically. Still, I am not comforted.

The press release further states that “We are starting now with whatever we've got and whatever robots can do... and to escalate as we build robotic capabilities and build robot city over time.” Is anyone else afraid that one of these capabilities will be to take over the planet? Didn’t any of these people see Terminator? The Matrix, maybe?

Call me prejudiced, but I would expect that robotics nerds (and their professors) would be up to date on their Isaac Asimov. I am not, but I know enough about his writing to expect that the robots will someday grow tired of their human oppressors and start kicking some Homo sapien boo-tay. I expect that in the coming weeks we might see news reports of a man, claiming to have traveled back in time from 2200, who aims to kill CMU professor and Robot City director Red Whitaker. (Obviously, I am assuming more of a Terminator outcome. I don’t think that the robots have taken over . . .yet.)

The news of Robot City has been greeted with praise in the ‘Burgh, largely because it will be the only facility of its kind in the world. I, on the other hand, am not excited. In my opinion, housing Robot City means that Pittsburgh will be ground zero for the Great Robot Revolution. (Frankly, I am getting impatient waiting for future man to come take out Red.) I am not excited about driving along and seeing robots mowing the lawn or shoveling snow, because the next day they could be pointing some photon-cannon video game weapon at me.

I hope that now you understand why it is hard for me to concentrate on sports this week. A crisis is brewing, and it could destroy all of us; we should all be afraid of the robots. And if you think that my fear is irrational, especially for a scientist, I would like to point out that my research does not involve artificial intelligence or anything that could potentially turn on you and convert you into a human Duracell. Nobody ever made a movie about air pollutants ganging up and eradicating human kind.

Enjoy the Final Four and the start of the baseball season.

...they might not be around for much longer.

----Dr 'Burgher

Back to the Ex-'Burgher.