Good afternoon, Steelers fans, I’m Bill Hillgrove. Welcome to the RCA Dome, where Bill Cowher’s team hopes to extend its season with a victory over the AFC’s number one team, the Indianapolis Colts. Alongside me, as always, is Tunch Ilkin.

Good afternoon, Billy.

For today’s game, Steelers football brings you a special guest, ESPN’s Chris Berman.

Thanks for having me, Bill “Highway to” Hillgrove and Tunch “Licensed to” Ilkin. It’s an honor and a privilege to be sitting where Myron “Diet” Cope spent so many seasons.

Thanks. I think.

Today’s rematch between the Colts and Steelers has a little more on the line than did the regular season contest, as the game determines who will reach the AFC championship to square off with the New England Patriots, who pulled off a stunning victory in Denver yesterday.

On the frooooozen tundra of Invesco Field, Tom Brady proved once again why I spent $15,000 for a quart of his cryogenically frozen semen.

A quart seems like an awful lot, don’t you think?

Why? It gives my Carnation Instant Breakfast a super kick.

The Patriots should be the furthest thing from either team’s mind right now, Bill. The Steelers need to concentrate on beating one of the best teams in football history, and they must bring their “A” game. And the Colts need to figure out a way to overcome the fact that Peyton Manning is their quarterback and this is a meaningful game.

Because we’re coming to you live from 1989, the league has ruled that players who hadn’t hit puberty by that time can’t play in today’s game. That means the Bus will have to carry the load as “Fast” Willie Parker sits this one out.

It’s such a shame, as I was looking forward to seeing Willie Parker “Lewis Can’t Lose.” This also means that the Steelers will be without Heath “Bar” Miller “Lite” and Cedrick Wilson “Phillips.”

Don’t you think that’s a little dated? Wouldn’t you want to go with “the Entertainer” or something?

Huh? I don’t get it.

See, because WilsonPhil…don’t worry about it. It shouldn’t be a big deal anyway: I’ve got a feeling the Steelers won’t be using more than two receivers at a time, anyway. Just a hunch.

The Steelers have won the toss and have elected to receive. The Colts’ Mike Vanderjagt to kick off, and it’s a short one. Antwaan Randle El takes it at the 17, and finds some room. He’s out to the 30, the 40, and he’s brought down at the 45. A great return to start this contest, and the Steelers will start near midfield.

It’s important for the offense to establish rhythm on this first drive. How they perform here could set the tone for the contest.

After Jerame Tuman reception and a 6-yard run by the Bus, the Steelers face 2nd and 4 from the Colts 27-yard line.

And here’s where we’ll see the strength of that Colts defensive li…

Touchdown! Ben Roethlisberger connects with Antwaan Randle El for a 27-yard strike, and the Steelers lead 6-0.

Just a great move by Ben to avoid the rush and get that pass where only Antwaan could catch it.

…and where he’d have no opportunity to lateral!

Oh no you di-int!

With the score 7-0, Bill Cowher has elected to onside kick, hoping to keep Peyton Manning and the Colts on the sideline as long as possible.

But now Indy has recovered, and the Steelers are in a pickle with that short field.

After a three-yard loss and two sacks, the Colts will have to punt. The kick sails into the endzone for a touchback.

Colts punter “Deer” Hunter Smith wanted nothing to do with Antwaan “Light my” Randle El.

On first and 10 from the Steelers’ 20, Ben gives it to the Bus, running right.

It’s a FUM-BALL! The Colts have recovered, and will start from their own 10 yard line!

What a tough break for the Steelers, Bill. It’s obvious that the Bus is in “Average” or “Bad” condition on a day when the Steelers really could have used “Excellent.”

Back at their own 15 after a 5 yard loss by Edgerrin James, Peyton Manning takes the snap. He’s rolling, looking for an open man. Fires…

Touchdown! Manning hooks up with Marvin “I have less personality than Terry Schiavo” Harrison!

See, that one I like.

With the kick good, the Colts have tied the game, 7-7.

With ARE returning the kickoff to the 40-yard line, we come to the conclusion of the first quarter, with the game knotted at a touchdown apiece. As we start the 2nd quarter, remember that if you order your Pizza Outlet pizza now, you’ll have it by halftime. Pizza Outlet: We Used to Have Those Commercials With Kurt Angle.

FREEEEEEEEEESH PEPPERS!

(cracking up)

Click: The Second Quarter!