If you’re like me (and God help you if you are), you’ve read just about your fill of columns that indicate the Winter Olympics are pointless 1) because they’re boring, or 2) because there’s no Cold War to tell you who the bad guys are (as if we can’t all agree to root against Eritrea). And if you’re like me, you kind of agree; you just wish someone would offer a better idea.

Well, tonight I’ve got one for you: The Price is Right.

Instead of watching Johnny Weir prance about and extol the virtues of his “rebel” figure skating persona or watch Bode Miller lose another race on purpose (this is a rumor I’m starting, but you don’t believe it? This guy could whip EVERYBODY if he was trying), I saw incensed college-aged girls writhe on the floor after having properly priced a bottle of Mrs. Dash, and old men in t-shirts with hearts on them competing for a new, bright red, retro range. And as I watched CBS’ Price is Right Million Dollar Spectacular special, I could only think one thing: Screw bobsledding. I want Bob giving me a car. These should be the Winter Games.

I mean, think about it: The Olympics are about bringing people of all races, creeds and nationalities together in peace to compete; P.I.R. does that, and doesn’t discriminate against old people. The Olympics operate according to a motto of “Faster, Higher, Stronger” (I think); P.I.R. does all that: higher (actually, it’s more like “Higher! Higher!”), stronger (got to get the Big Wheel around at least once!) and faster (well, two outta three).

But I don’t want to jump to conclusions here. So let’s put this argument to the test, and see who comes out on top:

Opening Ceremonies:

The Olympic Opening Ceremonies are elaborately planned, ridiculously expensive spectacles filled with interpretive dance, fire-breathing circus performers, and near-comatose world-class athletes walking into an enormous stadium to the tune of American pop hits of the 1970s (this actually happened this year; Iran entered to “Funkytown”). For the Turin Olympiad (in Italy), Yoko Ono read the invocation, and Peter Gabriel played “Imagine” (in Italy). Read that again.

Meanwhile, the folks in Television City trot out the same old set they’ve had since the original singer of that song was strolling around. But the Price is Right music is, you know, awesome. Life-changing even. You can tell by the reaction of the audience members who have their names called; these people might only wind up with a bottle of Borox, but they are freakin’ STOKED. Oh, and the tickets are free.

Price is Right: 1, Olympics: 0.

“Real” Sports:

The opening of any Olympics brings the inevitable questions about the validity of certain competitions as real, actual sports. Many are judged subjectively, and some are just downright stupid. The Winter comes with its own special breed of non-sport: figure skating, a competition in sequins judged by a committee that was already deemed corrupt when they cheated in 2002. And they’ve lit it up again this year, awarding a silver medal to a pair of skaters who resumed their routine almost an hour after stopping for a pretty bodacious fall. Add to that the whole snowboarding “wow, he spun some times and has long hair” thing, and, well, you get the picture.

No problems like this on contestants’ row: Every game is decided by cold, hard facts. No, pricing games aren’t particularly taxing, but the “Race Game” looks about as tough as the luge, so let’s call it a wash. And curling fans? Take heart: I give you Plinko.

Price is Right: 2, Olympics: 0

Cold Weather:

Winter Olympics fans are probably ready to complain about the lack of cold weather on P.I.R. But hey, think about it this way: The show is filmed in California, and it’s indoors. So it’s probably air-conditioned. And they have a cryogenic chamber in back to keep Bob Barker going. So that’s cold. If you’re still missing the mountain, check out the yodeler.

Price is Right: 3, Olympics: 0

Better Bob:

On a daily basis, still-handsome Bob Barker has his perma-tan kissed by legions of women, hangs out with models who have spent the day stroking Cadillacs, and wraps it up with a cigar on his Apache helicopter (I am sure this is true). During the Olympics, Bob Costas gets to hang out with, who, Jim Lampley? Also, which one beat up Adam Sandler? That’s right.

Price is Right: 4, Olympics: 0

The Loot:

Yeah, a gold medal’s nice, but…a NEW CAR!!!!!!!

Price is Right: 5, Olympics: 0

Motto:

As we’ve already noted, the Olympics has “Faster, Higher, Stronger” (I’m pretty sure). Bob Barker implores you to “Help control the pet population: Have your pet spayed or neutered.”

OK, so they got ONE.

Price is Right: 5, Olympics: 1

----Greg

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