With the Pirates' Home Opener less than a week away, the anticipation that precedes PNC Park's 2006 debut is positively palpable. And because I know a good palp when I see it, I've got a firm grasp on every Pirate fan's most burning question going into Monday's capital "O" opener with Los Angeles:

How will the players be introduced on the scoreboard?

Forget the pitching matchups, the potential of the youngest players, or even the performance of the team's annual rent-a-player free agent acquisitions. The Jumbotron graphics that precede each Bucco at-bat make or break the home game experience, giving the Gawker-fed media generation something to snark about between encyclopedic regurgitations of VORP or range factor or whatever the hell new statistic they've come up with to make the game more like a calculus exam. And while the Pirates players haven't done much in the way of delivering win-shares over the past couple of seasons, they've consistently knocked the intro comedy levels into the river. They make the games palatable, as twentysomething fans poke fun at Jeff Reboulet's cartoon "superhero" likeness instead of whimpering about another runner left stranded on third base. As Pirate fans, we don't just want these things to be hilarious, we NEED them to be this way. Which is why, in a season of such uncertain expectations, the 2006 versions are so wildly anticipated.

Being the intrepid actual journalists that we are, the ExBurgher has obtained a tape of the meeting in which the Pirates' marketing team presented this year's scoreboard entries to owner Kevin McClatchy. Provided here is a transcript of that presentation, as well as the conversation that ensued between the Marketing Director, his Assistant and McClatchy.

Date: January 2006, 2 p.m. EST

The Scene: Kevin McClatchy’s office, PNC Park

Thank you so much for taking the time to speak with us today, Mr. McClatchy.

This is such an honor.

Not a problem. As you know, I’m very dedicated to the success of this franchise and the entertainment value for our fans---off the field, of course--and this issue is essential to those goals. Let’s just get started.

As you know, sir, it’s not so much WHO the Pirates put on the field as how we introduce their names and likeness that’s truly important. We have an at-bat by at-bat plan that will keep fans’ eyes squarely on the Jumbotron, even when there’s not a chance that they’ll be seen “actin’ a fool” during YMCA. So may I present…

…your 2006 Pittsburgh Pirates!

First AB: What I Did on My Winter Vacation

In the first at-bat, we’ll capitalize on the fact that this is a young Pirates team with a “back to school” theme, highlighting the players’ offseason activities. Here, we see leadoff hitter and centerfielder Chris Duffy working with a landscaping company to scrape up some extra cash.

The hallmark of a small market franchise.

Other young Pirates had equally endearing responses, such as Humberto Cota’s time at a lemonade stand and certain call-up Brad Eldred’s work as a security guard at the local zoo.

Veterans had…more interesting responses…such as Joe Randa:

Thanks. I think.

Huh. How 'bout that.

Second AB: Working With Their Hands

The Pirates have had a great tradition of supporting fine arts on PNC Park’s scoreboard: From the Andy Warhol-inspired pastiches of 2003 to last year’s player paintings, the Bucs have shown a flair for the canvas and brush.

This year, we’re upping the ante. During each player’s second at-bat, the player’s face will be featured with an abstract sculpture he constructed for us during Spring Training.

But Freddy Sanchez is with a smiley face. That’s not abstract.

Well, yeah. The players didn’t seem to grasp the whole “abstract” thing very well.

So…what did they make?

We had a wide variety: Jeromy Burnitz fashioned a syringe with a frowny face, signifying that steroids are bad; Jack Wilson made a set of braces; Craig Wilson made a pistol, inscribing it with “If I can’t play for THIS club, I might as well use this.”

But one entry was more common than the rest:

(covering face) Let’s just move on, shall we? I mean, that is gross.

Third AB: Puzzling!

Following up last year’s wildly successful rebus puzzle introductions…

…wildly successful?

DID HE F****ING STUTTER?

…we’ve got a new puzzle-based intro:

Cryptoquip!

Cryptoquip?

You know, that puzzle above the crossword in the Post-Gazette. All the letters stand for another letter. This one says “Paul Maholm.”

So there will be a bunch of letters that are wrong on the scoreboard. On a white background.

Precisely. Fans will spend so much time tying to figure out the puzzle, they won’t even SEE the product on the field!

This won’t appear when Jason Bay’s up.

Oh, good.

Fourth AB: Connected to the Shin Bone

In the great tradition of this weird closeup of Jason Kendall’s eyes, the Pirates celebrate the details of the human body in their fourth at-bat.

What?

But instead of focusing just on the eyes, we’ve gone a step further, focusing on the body part each player is most likely to injure for an extended stay on the DL.

Here, we see Craig Wilson’s hand, which kept him out of most of the 2005 season.

This is just depressing.

We’ve also got Joe Randa’s knees, Jeromy Burnitz’s back, Kip Wells’ veins (what a premonition!) and Jose Castillo’s Achilles.

Fifth AB: Coming Attractions

For each hitter’s fifth (and presumably last) at-bat, we look into the future…

Like space baseball or something?

Not that far into the future.

Oh, no.

We look ahead to where each player might be soon, including a prediction of when he’ll end up there. Here, we see Jeromy Burnitz as a Bronx Bomber at the trade deadline.

I really don’t think they’d make that trade.

Wait for some injuries.

Other landing spots include Damaso Marte to AA Altoona, Joe Randa to the disabled list, and even some more distant looks…

It’s not like I can even argue with that. But I think that’s all I need to see.

(Marketing Director and his Assistant leave McClatchy’s office.)

How’d we do?

Oh, we NAILED it.