It's Week Nine, Tecmo-ing the shit out of it, because your face has pretty much been video gamed off by now (For those who are confused by this strange, futuristic "Tecmo" and "internets" thing, check out the explanation from the first week here, idiots).

Requisite knee-dirtying: Steve Noah, thank you for this week's mention on Operation Sports. Be gentle with me.

As always, if you mentioned this post in your blog or something and I didn't thank you here, it is because you are not important and I hate you, so go get a pretzel at the mall, bitch (Actually, email me if I missed you because I am a shameless sycophant). If you'd like to talk Tecmo with me for a story or something, I am a publicity whore. Whore means someone who has sex for money. Email me at exburgher@gmail.com and I will oblige your request. Anyway, let's get your face Tecmo-ed off already.

Again, I'm playing these games in "Coach" mode, so slow down on the "How did you not hit that wide open receiver ROFLMAO, you suck at life Joe Rogan" emails. I'm calling the plays, but the computer is (for the most part, poorly) executing them, what with the not winning blocking fights and why do you keep running into your blockers, dumbface.

Please email me to tell me how much you hate this and me at exburgher@gmail.com. If you're interested in playing against me for a specific game of an upcoming preview, or better yet, know a fan of the Steelers' upcoming opponents who would like to play, email me about that, too.

(Note: These previews are 100% intended for gambling purposes. Fuck your couch, NFL.)

(If you'd like to be added to our email list to receive updates of new Tecmo previews and other articles, simply email me a message that says "Join" in the subject line.)

(One other note: I'm able to play with updated rosters thanks to game files from the guys at the Tecmo Super Bowl Repository, most notably Luke Bluske and Matt "Turns out it's pronounced like Obi-Wan" Knobbe. For those of you who want to play Tecmo on your own (or against me), click here for an explanation of how to do it. I'm mostly just going to send you over to my friends at the Tecmo Super Bowl Repository, but you can read my explanation of going there before going there if you want.)

Steelers at the bottom!

Game One: Kansas City Chiefs at St. Louis Rams

Yeah, yeah, Marc Bulger's from Pittsburgh. But you know what? Fuck him. I didn't go to Central Catholic (like Dan Marino! Just like Dan Marino!), and the dude went to WEST VIRGINIA, which tells us a few things: 1) he sucked too much to play for Pitt OR Penn State (not to mention a national program), 2) he wasn't that good in college, because WVU sucked ass when he was there, and 3) seriously, fuck WVU because couch burning. Also, what the fuck with the Chiefs having like every fucking old defensive back in the universe. Seriously, Sammy Knight? Are you serious? Wow, I am swearing a lot, and we just got started.

Final Score:

Key Play:

The wacky American adventures of Kawika Mitchell continue! This week, Kawika doesn't understand American sexual politics, and tries to ask a girl on a date but instead ends up as a caretaker for her dying father while getting two sacks and picking up a fumble and watching her make out with Eriq La Salle! Hilarity ensues when Kawika's friend, Tamba Hali, gets all pissed and WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP (Disclaimer: Somebody told me that Kawika Mitchell and Tamba Hali are actually from Africa, so I'm not a racist. Also, stop being such a bitch, bitches).

Least Valuable Player:

Try this one out the next time you're at a game. It's my favorite cheer ever:

Marc Bulger!

(beat)

(beat)

(beat)

YOU SUCK!

Game Two: Houston Texans at New York Giants

Seriously, can we have a moratorium (or a SAN-I-TARIUM! DUN DUN! DUN! DUN! DUN!) on athletes with completely stupid names? I just got done making retarded "Coming to America" jokes about a guy named Kawika, and now have to deal with the team that fields an Osi, a Tiki and a Plaxico playing a team who has been giving snaps to a guy named SAGE and traded to have a guy named Samkon stand alongside someone named Wali. Seriously, fuck me. Sage is a fucking PLANT, not a person (well, unless it's one of those wisemen. But it's not like they're named Sage. They're usually named Hamato Yoshi). Defensive linemen should not be named like they are signs on the periodic table and wide receivers should not be toothpastes. Runningbacks should not be named for bars with delicious drinks served by bikini waitresses, for weird Asian corporations that make Sam or something, or for stupid knock-offs of that Nintendo machine where you swing the controller like a golf club or whatever. Wee! Also, boo for not using your whole first names Osi-phen and Tiki-ibald. Just because your friends call you that doesn't make it your name. I am going to keep calling you Osi-phen and Tiki-ibald because that is what is on your birth certificate this joke sucks and is not going anywhere I should not have had so much caffeine I am too jittery to type. Hooray!

Final Score:

Key Play:

One of only like sixty-five billion things that is awesome about Tecmo is this: When an enormous person scores, he spikes the ball and STILL does the whole, "Catch me in this standing fellatio figure skating dancing position while I indicate that I am number one!" Seriously, imagine Warren Sapp doing this. Or Jonathan Ogden. They would totally crush the body of the person catching them, leaving a bloody mess! Take THAT, proposing to cheerleaders touchdown celebrations! I just crushed someone like I am Yokozuna! BANZAI! (Also, touchdown by an offensive lineman! I repeat: TD by an OL! The big bodies with the big bodies in the Mojave or whatever the words are to that rap song, boy-eeeeee!)

Least Valuable Player:

Tiki-ibald Barber. The game is OVER, bitch. Stop scoring touchdowns with zero seconds left so I have to sit through your spike and fellatio before I move onto the next game. There is serious work to be done here, and I have had it up to here with your shenanigans, young man. I will beat you with my belt. But tenderly. I am gross.

Game Three: Tennessee Titans at Jacksonville Jaguars

You know how people talk about the games where "The Computer Won't Let You Win"? Of course you do, whining losers. The problem with these games is that they don't have a good name. I mean, fuck, "The Computer Won't Let You Win" game doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. So I'm going to help you out: From now on, call this the "Shit at Work" game. Why? Because ultimately, it's like trying to find the right time to take a shit at work: Every time you go into the bathroom to do it, your boss is in there, or a coworker who will never let you live it down is in there, or worse, a coworker who is a stupid fucking gossipy BASTARD is in there, and he's gonna tell EVERYBODY that you closed and locked a fucking stall door even though EVERYBODY knows it's him that leaves the nasty stank in there every Thursday after he gets fucking Taqueria in the caf. So anyway, everytime you make a move in a game like this—scoring a touchdown, making a nice defensive play—the computer has an answer. Think you've slunk off at the right time? Hey, the boss is checking to see your internet history, "accidental" porn looker-atter! Or, better yet, you left your resume open on the desktop, Mr. I'm Too Good for This Shitty Job Complainer Guy! Enjoy that defecation! Also, when I abbreviate Vince Young as "VY," it looks dirty. Like herpes dirty.

Final Score:

Key Play:

Vince Young is the rare Tecmo QB who gets the ball out REALLY quickly, slinging it out almost as soon as he hits the back of his drop. Which is nice if there are people open or if he needs to check down because his play got picked, but, um, is not nice when it results in a killer pick in the end zone when he's down a touchdown. Oops.

Least Valuable Player:

Muck you, Fatt Jones, and your two long reverses in a row and catching long flea flicker passes. I seriously think you suck at football in real life, but have no evidence because you are not on TV. Also, boo on your name. You are now Matt-ibald.

Game Four: New Orleans Saints at Tampa Bay Bucs

You know what, Hurricane Katrina? Fuck you. Seriously. Not only are you a heinous bitch that continues to bring pain in the form of abject poverty, homelessness and hilariously bad t-shirts being shilled on Canal Street ("Katrina Sucks!" "I survived Hurricane Katrina and all I got was this t-shirt and my house was destroyed! LOL!" These exist.), but you've also created this whole "Everyone's second favorite team is the Saints" business. Because fuck that: The Saints were my second-favorite team FIRST. I got a little bear in a Saints helmet when I was a kid, liked that they wore black and gold, and decided they were the Steelers, Jr. And now it's totally ruined. Not because everyone else likes you—because seriously, not liking something because other people like it takes too much effort for me—but because when I do like you, people think it's because of Hurricane Katrina and NOT because you are Steelers, Jr. bear who filled me with tiny bear love. Also, Ditka and Ricky Williams.

Final Score:

Key Play:

After going up 14-10, the same dude on the Saints picked the ball off on the next two possessions, sealing the deal and making sure that only Tampa Bay fans were really pissed about this loss. And seriously, everyone in Tampa is old, so it's not like they're going to remember this anyway while they're crapping their pants and ruining social security. Thanks, old people.

Least Valuable Player:

Hurricane Katrina. Seriously, stop being a terrorist, God.

Game Five: Dallas Cowboys at Washington Redskins

This was a major statement game for Drew Bledsoe. The statements went as such:

1) Greg played as the Redskins, so he couldn't take me out in favor of Tony Romo.

2) Isn't it a coincidence that my teams' offensive line looked a lot better when they didn't have to block as much because the quarterback was running around?

3) Do they get docked pay for that, because it's like doing less of their job.

4) I think that would be like the Hawley-Smoot Tariff or something. But still.

5) If they do not get docked pay, I would like to petition that I become an offensive lineman, as my contract is not guaranteed, and I can "not block" with the best of them.

6) Statement five is rescinded if it means I have to move around or something, because seriously, fuck that.

Final:

Key Play:

Late in the game, knotted at 17, the Cowboys face a fourth and goal from the one. Now, it's a quirk of the Tecmo AI that the team will go on fourth and ANYTHING in the final frame if they're losing. But in this situation, it's tied, so they might as well kick the…rushing play by Julius Jones for a touchdown. That was pretty dumb. LIKE A SOLDIER, JOHN KERRY! You are an asshole who cannot say jokes! Why did the chicken get to the other side? OH!

Least Valuable Player:

Whoever is the offensive coordinator for Dallas. Yeah, you won on that play, but you led off that "and goal" series with a flea flicker…FROM THE ONE YARD LINE. Flea flickers are awesome and everything, but so are not lobotomies.

Game Six: Miami Dolphins at Chicago Bears

This is the last game I’m writing about—I’m doing them out of order—and seriously, I don’t feel like saying anything about it. The Dolphins didn’t play the right goddamned quarterback, and the Bears are definitely going to win this game, anyway. Whether it’s like this or not, I don’t care because I am tired and haven’t started doing photos yet and screw you. Seriously, I’m done. No offense. I love you guys and everything, but it’s time to, um, do something else.

Final:

Key Play:

Looooooooooooong kickoff return by Bears sets up final touchdown. Let’s move on.

Least Valuable Player:

I’m not listening to you!!!!! LALALALALALALALALA!

Game Seven: Green Bay Packers at Buffalo Bills

NFL Scheduler: So this week, we’ve got Green Bay at Buffalo…

Me: …wait, what?

NFLS: Well, the Packers are at the Bills this week.

Me: You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Do they have to play football?

NFLS: What?

Me: Like, couldn’t they Ultimate Fight or have a sour cream eating contest or something?

NFLS: Um, I’m not sure the commissioner would like that.

Me: Seriously, like he would notice. He’s got to pay attention to doing things like fining Ocho Cinco, er, Chad Johnson for having fun before games. We could totally slip this by him. I’m telling you: Turtle races to decide this game.

NFLS: Or maybe the teams could race to see who could give refunds to their fans faster. Or at least counting the number of fan suicides because, seriously, what the fuck else is there to do in Buffalo or Green Bay?

Me: You said it, not me.

Final:

Key Play:

Who gunslung best in this one? It’s gotta be young J.P. Losman, outdoing the GreatGunslinger with a gunsling into the end zone just before the end of the third quarter, and another just gunsling before the final gun. Gun. Sling. Gun. Sling. SLING IT! I am so full of caffeine.

Least Valuable Player:

Brett Favre. How could you let J.P. Losman out gunsling you? Seriously, hang it up.

Game Eight: Cincinnati Bengals at Baltimore Ravens (THE ALL-EVIL BOWL!!!!!!)

It kills me to say this, but: This was the best game of the week. I feel so dirty, but the Bengals couldn’t stop the Ravens from running (realistic), the Baltimore pass D was way overrated (realistic), and Rudi Johnson was pretty fucking good (realistic). Oh, and with the game on the line, Steve McNair totally fucked up and threw a killer interception to seal the loss. But hey, at least he didn’t get hurt, right? The more I write about this game, the more I get this little pain in my chest, so I’m not editing this, and I’m moving the hell on.

Final:

Key Play:

It’s 21-21, and your boy Steve McNair throws this pick. But he did it through PAIN. Like in his toe or something. Seriously, that hurts way more than you think, pussy boy.

Least Valuable Player:

I hate T.J. Houshmanzadeh. Let's move on already.

Game Nine: Atlanta Falcons at Detroit Lions

The DangerousMissile has proven to all you racists over the past few weeks that he know how-ta throw, so everybody’s all over his Weapon of Mass De-Jocktion, but seriously, when Atlanta is down 14 and really needs a win, whatcha gonna do? Get 204 yards on the ground. And how are you going to do that? Threaten defenders with herpes.

Final:

in Overtime.

Key Play:

Detroit throws a pick in the end zone, and I’m thinking, “Well they lost this one,” but OH NO YOU DI’INT! How you gonna return a fumble for a touchdown defender! You get on with your bad self! This part written by Queen Latifah!

Least Valuable Player:

I don't know, Chris Spielman.

Game Ten: Minnesota Vikings at San Francisco 49ers

Weirdest. Game. Ever. (Seriously, how much do you hate that kind of construction. I mean, at this point, everyone knows how you want to say any “ever” statement, so it’s like the periods are completely gratuitous. And the times when it makes no sense is…Even. Worse. I mean, what the fuck. Anyway.) Early in the game, the Niners just ran away from the receivers on the “all curls play,” like they were in some kind of SERIOUS prevent move. The game got suuuuuuuuuuuper boring, and then….SACK NAPO! GO CATS!

Final:

Key Play:

NAPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Game 11: Cleveland Browns at San Diego Chargers

I don’t really want to talk about this game, so I’m going to answer the questions from SI’s Players section.

What was your welcome-to-the-NFL moment?

The one time when Shawne Merriman was injecting my butt with some completely legal supplements, I accidentally brushed his hand while it was really close to my ass, and, well, awwwww-kward! Not at ALL like college.

What was your most embarrassing moment?

That time I accidentally left my crack pipe in Michael Irvin’s coat. I mean, we have like the EXACT same fur coat, we were totally high, and, man, how embarrassing.

If I weren’t in the NFL, I’d be…um, on top of the NFL? I’m not sure I understand the question.

Final:

Game 12: Indianapolis Colts at New England Patriots

OK, did anyone else see the 60 Minutes interview with Charlie Weis? (If you didn’t, I have half of it on Tivo. You can come over and have a crumpet and watch while I iron.) Not only is the dude a complete dick, but they show this completely awesome picture of him with Parcells on the sideline, and they both have that “fat that’s below the belt” ring thing going on, like they shit in an innertube shape in their pants or something. It is basically the grossest thing I have ever seen. Email me if you want me to put a picture of it up on the site. Seriously, it is so worth seeing. Also, boo Andy Rooney for doing a segment on “wow, places in America are named craaaaazy things!”

Final:

Key Play:

Peyton Manning’s got an uncanny knack for laser, rocket killer interceptions in the shadow of his own end zone late in tie games against opponents he can never seem to beat. He’s the awesomest!

Least Valuable Player:

Boooooo Vincent Wilfork. Dude, “creeping” from the D-line and diving to sack the QB is totally non-grata in Tecmo. Stop cheating, cheater.

Game 13: Oakland Raiders at Seattle Seahawks

The Oakland Raiders voted to support illegal aliens. The Raiders want to give them amnesty AND social security benefits. They also voted to renig tax cuts, which means OLD PEOPLE will have to pay taxes so that illegal aliens can reap benefits that are owed to you and a bunch of old people. The Oakland Raiders: Wrong on immigration. Wrong on getting tough on illegals.

Final Score:

---Greg