Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're back with Week 8: Previewing every damned NFL game with Tecmo Super Bowl, just as God intended, because I hate sleep and love readers (For those who are confused by this strange, futuristic "Tecmo" and "internets" thing, check out the explanation from the first week here, idiots).

Anyway, I'm trying something different this week. I've written most of the previews in the normal way (check previous editions for explanations, stupid newcomers), but I've farmed out five games to our loyal readers, giving them a shot at writing previews of their own. These are actual responses from actual readers, and these previews appear below my own writing (including the Steelers game, which appears in the middle this week.

As always, if you mentioned this post in your blog or something and I didn't thank you here, it is because you are not important and I hate you, so go get a pretzel at the mall, bitch (Actually, email me if I missed you because I am a shameless sycophant). If you'd like to talk Tecmo with me for a story or something, I am a publicity whore. Whore means someone who has sex for money. Email me at exburgher@gmail.com and I will oblige your request. Anyway, let's get your face Tecmo-ed off already.

Please email me to tell me how much you hate this and me at exburgher@gmail.com. If you're interested in playing against me for a specific game of an upcoming preview, or better yet, know a fan of the Steelers' upcoming opponents who would like to play, email me about that, too.

(Note: These previews are 100% intended for gambling purposes. Fuck your couch, NFL.)

(If you'd like to be added to our email list to receive updates of new Tecmo previews and other articles, simply email me a message that says "Join" in the subject line.)

(One other note: I'm able to play with updated rosters thanks to game files from the guys at the Tecmo Super Bowl Repository, most notably Luke Bluske and Matt "Turns out it's pronounced like Obi-Wan" Knobbe. For those of you who want to play Tecmo on your own (or against me), click here for an explanation of how to do it. I'm mostly just going to send you over to my friends at the Tecmo Super Bowl Repository, but you can read my explanation of going there before going there if you want.)

This week, the Steelers game appears in the middle of the page, before the reader submissions.

Game One: Detroit Lions at New York Jets

So I'm sure you watched—or at least read about and are pretending you watched when you make jokes about it with your friends—as the Arizona Cardinals walked out in the fourth quarter like a group of foiled bank robbers, flying out of First National, guns blazing, only to be chased by police and shot hundreds of times, like for a really, really unreasonable amount of time, in slow motion and stuff. Well, this game was like that somehow, though I'm not really remembering why right now. Wait, now I remember: The Jets built a 10-0 lead, only to blow it by doing things like fumbling interceptions on their own 1-yard line, leading to touchdowns by people named Arlen. I'm sort of lost here, but trust me: It is like getting shot a lot of times.

Final Score:

Key Play:

The aforementioned pick-and-fumble was sort of a zero-sum game, so I'm going to go with this interception by "I didn't know he wasn't on the Broncos anymore" DB Kenoi Kennedy, he of the many penalties for hitting too hard. I swear, the carousel of runningbacks thing covers up just how much turnover there is on Denver's roster. How long did they have Lee Flowers? Like 30 seconds? Anyway, this pick led to the pic-and-fumble Harris TD, which made it 24-10.

Least Valuable Player:

Chad Pennington. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: He may not be the strongest, he may not be the fastest, he may not be the most accurate, but he knows how to kill his team with a bunch of turnovers.

Game Two: Green Bay Packers at Miami Dolphins

I've already talked about my man-crush on Joey Harrington in previous editions of this preview, and I'm pretty sure I've mentioned that—though I don't blindly accept everything the author says—I get pretty geeked every Tuesday for TMQ. So when I absentmindedly (longest, worst adverb ever) lined the Dolphins up to punt on their own 40 early in the game, I was like, "Well, Joey's going to lose because you are raping his chances at victory. Stop raping the Dolphins, rapist me." Fortunately, Joey can overcome my unwanted advances and, more importantly, the punt was immediately followed by a Zach Thomas safety. Take THAT, rape! (Wait, what?)

Final Score:

Key Play:

Right after the Packers scored their only TD, making the score 16-7, Harrington threw an interception on a short pass, because that's how superstars roll, and more importantly, slingin' QBs are like home run hitters: You're gonna strike out sometimes to get the ball out of the park. Or something about breaking eggs. Anyway, the Dolphins picked Brett Favre—the ultimate in egg-breaking—on the next play.

Least Valuable Player:

"Aren't WOW Chips Made with" Olindo Mare. After you BLEW the Dolphins comeback by missing a 41-yarder last week, you miss an extra point early on in this one. Yeah, it was meaningless, but you are least valuable retroactively and fuck you.

Game Three: Philadelphia Eagles at Tampa Bay Bucs

There was a run on safeties this week in the Tecmo world, like two-pointers were part of some after-Christmas sale of those really awful white tin trees at Pool City or something. Something like Quaaludes, which I think I spelled right because Microsoft Word just capitalized it for me. Anyway, the defensive deuces made a lot of the scores look like weird blowout baseball games, but they were zero-sum in this game and didn't affect the outcome. What almost DID affect it was that the Eagles chose to throw late in the game with a four-point lead, leading to a pick that WOULD have been killer if I didn't have Tim "Fucking" Rattay in at the Q (that seems like it should be his quotes name).

Final Score:

Key Play:

The second safety, which made the score 16-12, really did in the Bucs. Done in by the deuce. That sounds like it should have been in that Darwin Awards thing in the late 90s. Does that still exist? And am I the only one who always thought they were bullshit stories?

Least Valuable Player:

Donovan McNabb's spleen really let Tampa Bay down by not rupturing. Just saying.

Game Four: San Diego Chargers at Kansas City Chiefs

So for everybody (all one of you) who's wondering, "Hey, how come you stopped posting how the picks do against the spread?", I present you with this steaming pile of fucking fantasy. Philip Rivers ran for more yards than Tomlinson against a defense that was exposed like a congressman's throbbing member to a page last week, and the Chargers' stout-like-George-Costanza D couldn't stop The Hair-Puller from ripping off 363 yards and FIVE touchdowns. So fuck that noise.

Final Score:

Key Play:

There are few key plays in 38-3 routs, so I will take this time to say that Kawika Mitchell and Tamba Hali should have to reenact scenes from "Coming to America," even though they are not from Africa and it makes me sound like a racist. But they have the names for it, and dammit if they aren't wasting such great names. I will not stand for such hubris.

Least Valuable Player:

Damon Huard. Yeah, you won, but I didn't pick any pass plays. The Chiefs could have started Brock Huard and won this one. You didn't fuck up, no, but you weren't valuable, either. That's how value judgments work, jerkface. Also, what is wrong with your parents and naming their kids.

Game Five: Carolina Panthers at Cincinnati Bengals

As you've probably noticed, I'm a completely unbiased observer of the happenings in the NFL. I almost never interject my personal feelings about a player into my analysis of why he is a giant jackass or a loser or clearly a pedophile. That's just good journalism, amateurs. But I'll break with that here and say that it's pretty stupid that people are expecting Chad Johnson to have a T.O.-style meltdown if he doesn't getting the ball more. Yeah, he'll bitch and cry, but Johnson's more like a little girl: She'll whine and cry and stomp like Danica Patrick, you ignore her and then it's all, "Daddy, look at my hand!" again in five minutes. Owens, on the other hand, is like that unhinged girl in high school who will key your car because she saw you talking to your lab partner, who happens to be a girl, all because Daddy never looked at her hand. So take heed, Cincinnati: Look at Chad Johnson's hand already.

Final:

Key Play:

After a Carolina three and out, Rudi Johnson ran a looooong way for this touchdown as time expired in the first half, making it 21-7. A two touchdown lead is twice as big as a one TD one, mathface.

Least Valuable Player:

The Carolina Offensive Line. My well-documented crush on the men in the trenches makes me sad to report that this line was Houston-bad in this contest, allowing the freakin' BENGALS to stop the run throughout this game.

Game Six: New England Patriots at Buffalo Bills

How did the Bills go from being this big surprise team early in the season to a "lead pipe" lock to lose this and pretty much every other game they play this year? How did the Patriots go from being "in big trouble" to "obviously going to win their division and making Peyton Manning need plastic sheets" just as quickly? Oh, yeah, because everyone needs to stop making fucking decisions about the NFL season after three goddamned weeks, Peter King, Cris Collinsworth, Shannon Sharpe and everyone else who is on TV. Also, boo Buffalo for fumbling consecutive kickoffs returns and wearing jerseys that don't match your helmets because you are a high school team or something.

Final:

Key Play:

This one was pretty much over when the Bills fumbled the opening kickoff, after which the Patriots scored what would prove to be the winning touchdown in TWO PLAYS. Dick Jauron, you are a GENIUS. (That one goes out to all my friends who are hardcore Bears fans. Hi, both of you!)

Least Valuable Player:

The entire population of the United States, for worshipping the Patriots so much that when Cory Dillion, er, Corey Dillon, catches a pass in triple coverage, I think, "Well, that seems reasonable." Seriously, fuck you America and that one guy in Canada who likes football. Of course, I mean no disrespect to New England, which is not annoying at all.

Game Seven: Arizona Cardinals at Oakland Raiders

The Raiders are the team we thought they'd be! We thought they'd suck, and we knew they would suck, and they are who we thought they were! Which begs the question: which is more likely, that the Oakland Raiders go 0-16 or that I FUCKING CUT YOUR FACE AND RUIN YOUR CHANCES AT GETTING A TEN-DOLLAR SECOND PRIZE IN A BEAUTY CONTEST? Are you seriously going to decide how many games a team is going to win now? Why don't you take some time and explain something to me about why Denver's zone blocking "scheme" isn't called as a penalty instead of forgetting that the Raiders have a fucking HOME GAME against a team that blew a 20-point halftime lead last week while playing awesome defense? BUT IF YOU WANT TO CROWN THE RAIDERS, GO AHEAD! I AM GOING TO HIT THIS MICROPHONE!

Final:

Key Play:

Just before halftime, Anquan Boldin caught a touchdown pass that, with the PAT, made the score Cardinals 12, Raiders 3. Yeah, that proved to be the winning TD and it makes me seem like an imbecile for picking it as the key play, but keep in mind: Before this TD, the score was FIVE to THREE. Only Boldin's catch made the score look like a football game broke out.

Least Valuable Player:

The TV people. Watch the promos for this weekend's NFL, and look at the list of games. There's always a little "in HD!" icon next to all the games but one, indicating that the network can probably afford to offer all of them in a picture that is way clearer than I need because I don't care if I can see steroid users' acne. And I GUARANTEE this game is not in HD, which is like saying, "If your team sucks, you don't deserve to see them." Fuck that, television executives. Why don't you go back to scheduling more "According to Jim" reruns while masturbating into socks. (That's for you, Cardinals fans, who somehow make up half of this site's audience!)

Game Eight: Pittsburgh Steelers at Atlanta Falcons

The last time the Steelers started 1-3 was 2002, when I was a junior in college and the DangerousMissile was a rookie and a fun thing to put into Madden 2003 to piss off your friends. And that year was the last time Vick faced the Steelers (Never forget. Never forget!).

That particular Sunday squared the latest "we make you run because you're black and we're racists" quarterback, Vick, against the then-greatest of the crop, Kordell Stewart (Seriously). I wasn't able to watch the game because I didn't make the trip to Durkin's (I had a lot of homework and am a loser), but I tuned into the dulcet tones of Hillgrove and Cope to hear the Steelers and Falcons…tie.

Now, the game has changed a little: DangerousMissile is the only WMD black QB in the league (like McNabb and McNair count. Please.), and the Steelers have Ben who, at his best, plays like the prototypical mobile Q. What HASN'T changed is that the Steelers didn't start so well, they still stop the run, and they will make the playoffs . And because they stop the run, well, you are not dangerous, DM. (Which makes me think of Danger Mouse!)

Final:

OK...

So here's where our readers get a shot. Again, actual submissions from actual readers in actual reality. If they suck, don't yell at me.

Game Nine: Jacksonville Jaguars at Houston Texans

(submitted by reader KrilDog of the Flying Trapezius. I did not make that up.)

This is quite an intriguing matchup. In reality, the Texans are coming off of a prison rape courtesy of TOD and the Cowboys and are facing the Jags on “Battle Red Day” at Reliant stadium. Houston will wear their alternate red jerseys and fans are also encouraged to show up in crimson. Also of note is the fact that Houston is 1-1 vs. Jacksonville when they wear red. Marcus Stroud and Matt Jones are currently listed as doubtful, putting a dent in the Jags’ O and D and perhaps putting Houston in a position to score the upset against a division foe. But, that’s real life. Tecmo has no alternate uniforms or injuries. And in either form, Donovin “Captain Clothesline” Darius lurks in the secondary, fresh off a bye week and ready to cripple any opponent that comes his way.

Final:

Key Play:

The Texans spotted Jacksonville a 10-0 lead at the half (thanks to a FG and Leftwich connecting with Marcedes Lewis on a TD pass). They took the lead in the third quarter with a Samkon Gado rushing touchdown and Travis Johnson proceeding to recover a Jags fumble on the ensuing kickoff return and take it to the house for six. Leftwich connected with Fred Taylor on a 25-yard touchdown strike in the early stages of the fourth quarter. Down three with 14 seconds left on the clock, Kris Brown splits the uprights from 16 yards out to send the game to OT, BABY!

Least Valuable Player:

This one goes not to one player, but rather 5 of them. Houston’s offensive line gave up five sacks during the game. Marcus Stroud made his presence known with three of them; he sacked David Carr on back to back plays in overtime to put the Texans in a 3rd and 27 from their own 3 late in overtime to preserve the sister-kissing. Wow, art really does imitate life in the fact that Houston’s O-line is a joke. Maybe they should try Mario Williams on that side of the ball. Not like he’s lighting it up on the defensive end…

Game Ten: Washington Redskins at Indianapolis Colts (submitted by reader Jimmy Rixner)

Antwaan 'Leave the Pieces When You Go' Randle El, Clinton Portis and Santana Moss tried to power the Redskin offense, but sack-proned Brunell dragged them down. Peyton Manning had a pretty quiet game, but Adam Archuletta didn't bite on the old 'fake mustache and wig' disguise and picked off a pass on a drive Manning could have put them away on.

Final:

Key Play:

Wait a sec, isn't Simon on the IR...Don't worry, Mark, they're saying 'Bruuu', not 'Boo'. Or was it Bru-urns? Either way, you'll have plenty of time to think about it on the bench for the rest of the year whilst franchise QB Jason Campbell gets his NFL cherry popped.

Game 11: Minnesota Vikings at Seattle Seahawks (submitted by reader UnderMyThumb)

This has been advertised as a “grudge match” between two “teams” who exchanged free-agents (Nate Burleson to Seattle and Steve Hutchinson to Minnesota) in the off-season. The little known fact is that both teams have something in common; they over-payed for players who are having no goddamn impact for their teams. I think that both teams should hold a rake fight at halftime between Hutch and Burleson (my money is on Hutch) to decide who wins their free-agency trade and call it a day, who the fuck cares who wins the actual game…

Final:

Key Play:

The fact that Chester Taylor is African-American and plays football adequately; he carried the ball a bunch of times for a bunch of yards…. With a name like Chester, he is now officially the second redneck African-American in pro-sports history after Karl Malone. Chester has only a few more years before he starts his own trucking company.

Least Valuable Player:

Good thing the Vikings signed him to a huge free-agent contract in the off-season. He did not have a single tackle, sack, interception, catch, run, or touchdown… Talk about not getting bang for your buck; what a fucking waste of money. Also, their owner is named Zygi (Ziggy) Wilf, which makes him neither David Bowie or Bob Marley’s son; what a fucking waste of ownership.

Game 12: New York Giants at Dallas Cowboys (submitted by reader Andy Vogel)

T.O. wants you to throw him the ball. He wants it in the red zone, in practice, when the other team is on the field. He wants you to show up at his house at 4am and throw the ball at his sleeping head, which sounds like fun. The sooner Drew Bledsoe realizes this, the sooner he can get back to the business of throwing interceptions with the game on the line. In this game, Bledsoe did not aim a single pass his way, thus keeping him from the normal business of throwing strikes to the other team. Unfortunately, we got no shots of 8-bit T.O. reaming out his teammates. What we got instead was an outstanding display of offensive ineptitude with three Giants fumbles and neither team completing a freaking pass after halftime. I'm glad Greg played this game and not me, because I would have to shoot myself after a performance like this, but he has no such pride.

Final:

Key Play:

After a long kick return to the 20, Tiki carries the ball a few times then coughs it up Arizona Cardinals style at the 1 yard line (If there are any Cardinals fans left, sorry. Hah! I live in Chicago!). At this point, the Cowboys led 10-0 near the end of the 2nd half. A subsequent safety mitigated the damage of the fumble, but I think the digital Giants just gave up under the shouts and spittle of digital Tom Coughlin. That sentence used some big words that most of the readers won't understand. Tiki should retire. Oh, wait.

Least Valuable Player:

Imagine, you grow up with a quarterback dad and two older quarterback brothers and you're related to Archie and Peyton Manning (don't forget Cooper!). Perhaps that's how you decide living in Jersey is somehow preferable to San Diego. Then you come into Dallas, where they hate you, complete 2 total passes, throw two interceptions, and fumble twice. Your second half goes: INC, INC, INC, FUMBLE, INTERCEPTION, SACK, SACK and FUMBLE, SACK for safety. Three days later, we find you hanging out with Mario Williams. Get it? Hanging? At least he's a millionaire, and I live in a one bedroom apartment!

Game 13: Denver Broncos at Cleveland Browns (Submitted by reader Derek Tagliarino)

Once upon a time, football teams feared traveling to Cleveland. No, it had nothing to do with Albert Belle, but rather the famous Dawg Pound section of Cleveland Municipal Stadium. Browns fans were notorious for yelling louder than KC, acting crazier than Oakland, and throwing more batteries than Philly. And yet, those days are long gone. Now, the Browns organization has a new, family-friendly stadium. The new Pound is officially recognized by the team, which even sells merchandise with a copyrighted Dawg Pound logo. Combine that with a local kid at QB named, "Frye", and Cleveland seems to have lost its edge. Oh, and since I'm bringing up team history, and it is Denver rolling into town, Cleveland begins the game with a handicap as memories of "The Drive" and "The Fumble" feast upon their brains. Yeah, this one shouldn't even be close…

Final Score:

---Greg