The season is six seventeenths over! Which means it's week six: Previewing every damned NFL game with Tecmo Super Bowl, just as God intended, because I hate sleep and love readers (For those who are confused by this strange, futuristic "Tecmo" and "internets" thing, check out the explanation from the first week here, idiots).

Let the diarrhea of thanks begin: to Steve Noah, who puts us on his very cool sports video game site, Operation Sports, as well as Doug Sheckler, who has placed us in his wonderfully named blog, Hooking Foul. Send in the hookers!

As always, if you mentioned this post in your blog or something and I didn't thank you here, it is because you are not important and I hate you, so go get a pretzel at the mall, bitch (Actually, email me if I missed you because I am a shameless sycophant). If you'd like to talk Tecmo with me for a story or something, I am a publicity whore. Whore means someone who has sex for money. Email me at exburgher@gmail.com and I will oblige your request. Anyway, let's get your face Tecmo-ed off already.

Again, I'm playing these games in "Coach" mode, so slow down on the "How did you not hit that wide open receiver ROFLMAO, you suck at life Joe Rogan" emails. I'm calling the plays, but the computer is (for the most part, poorly) executing them, what with the not winning blocking fights and why do you keep running into your blockers, dumbface.

Please email me to tell me how much you hate this and me at exburgher@gmail.com. If you're interested in playing against me for a specific game of an upcoming preview, or better yet, know a fan of the Steelers' upcoming opponents who would like to play, email me about that, too.

(Note: These previews are 100% intended for gambling purposes. Fuck your couch, NFL.)

(If you'd like to be added to our email list to receive updates of new Tecmo previews and other articles, simply email me a message that says "Join" in the subject line.)

(One other note: I'm able to play with updated rosters thanks to game files from the guys at the Tecmo Super Bowl Repository, most notably Luke Bluske and Matt "Turns out it's pronounced like Obi-Wan" Knobbe. For those of you who want to play Tecmo on your own (or against me), click here for an explanation of how to do it. I'm mostly just going to send you over to my friends at the Tecmo Super Bowl Repository, but you can read my explanation of going there before going there if you want.)

(As always, Steelers at the bottom.)

Game One: Buffalo Bills at Detroit Lions

So I was in Detroit this past weekend beating up homeless people, er, mingling with the citizens, because TetrisJesus is from there and fuck you it's my sexy body I do what I want, even if it's visiting a rundown industrial town other than Pittsburgh. That's how I roll. Anyway, the Tigers beat the Yankees and won the Division Series, and the citizens of Detroit—who, mind you, have had like sixty-eight world titles in the past five years between the Pistons and Red Wings—went absolutely fucking crazy for like eight hours, partying in the streets and generally just taking an excuse to riot. Which I totally support. So WHAT THE FUCK AM I SAYING? Watch the fuck out if the Lions ever decide to win a game. Don't worry about this week, though. Fire Millen.

Final Score:

Key Play:

Seriously, I thought the Lions were going to win this game for awhile: Amish Roy Williams kept catching long passes in key situations without the help of electricity or a belief in evolution, but the Bills found a way to pound the ball and score with someone named Shaud Williams. When this occurred, all life was sucked from the Detroit sideline. So spirit was sucked from suck. Huh.

Least Valuable Player:

The Lions' ability to capitalize on having the ball when they could win the fucking game. Yeah, it's not a player, but I run this party, bitches, and the Lions failed to convert a fourth down with 1:55 left, then failed to do anything but throw a pick after getting an interception of their own at 1:39. They gave the fucking game away. But hey, at least their head coach is running defensive line drills. That's delegation, motherfuckers!

Game Two: Carolina Panthers at Baltimore Ravens

Remember that game earlier this season where Seattle went WAY up on the GEEEEEEEEEEEE-men, and then let New York back in it just late enough to hold on? You know, the one where Mike Holmgren decided to still pass when he was up by like 40 and Matt Hasselbeck hasselsucked and threw a buncha picks? Oh, and Plaxico Burress made like Karch Kari (yeah, you spell it) and volleyballed a bunch of catches for TDs? You know, like TWO FUCKING WEEKS AGO? Yeah, this game was like that, except it was COMPLETELY UNBELIEVABLE: not because the Ravens scored an assload of points, but because their completely dominant defense let Carolina back into it. Let the absurdity of this simulation be proof to you that Ray Lewis is the most dominant player in the NFL. Oh, I'm sorry: National Football League.

Final Score:

Key Play:

Following a touchdown by Jamal Lewis—who isn't being overshadowed by Chester Taylor this year, but by a guy who is named Muselix or something—the Panthers fumbled the ball, setting up the Ravens for a quick score. That made it 21-3 at the half, which is a score so bad that Madden usually starts commenting about how many brats are being cooked in the parking lot or something. Also, who is Justin Green.

Least Valuable Player:

Steve Smith! Glad you could hoist yourself up onto the counter so you could see the toppings they were putting on your Subway sandwich! Unfortunately, you did not do so until the game was 31-10! Which is like seeing that they already put a whole shitload of that Sweet Onion sauce on your sandwich! It is the worst sauce! Also, you dislike black olives, and have to pick them off! Don't worry! I will eat them!

Game Three: New York Giants at Atlanta Falcons

Sometimes a game comes along where the stars shine, the little guy steps up, the coaches show their mettle, and a hair decides a contest between two worthy opponents. A game where a DangerousMissile flies but is countered by anti-air guns driven by a Cadillac Escalade or a really excited DirecTV guy or whatever. A game that pits juggernauts in a proverbial game of chicken, challenging one another to flinch, but they don't and that is messy. A game where unstoppable forces meet immovable trees that fall in the forest when one hand is clapping and I am listening for sounds and tastes. This was not one of those games. (Spell-check knows DirecTV is right. Kill me.)

Final Score:

IN OVERTIME!!!!!

Key Play:

DangerousMissile Michael Vick threw an interception in overtime that set up the Giants' winning score. It was a perfectly catchable pass, and someone came down with it, so shut up, that WMA can THROW. As has been argued in this space many times, you are a racist.

Least Valuable Player:

God. Stop making me watch four scoreless quarters of Tecmo Bowl, God. I mean, Jesus Christ! (Or do I mean "I mean Jesus Christ."? I am confused. This feels "meta." Shoot me for typing that, please.)

Game Four: Houston Texans at Dallas Cowboys

So I don't know if you subject yourself to Peter King's Monday Morning Quarterback every week, but he had a bit this week about how the Cowboys don't just treat T.O. like one of the guys, but mimed being in a coma to make fun of him. Now, set aside how weird that is—because miming a coma seems a lot like, um, a nap—and extend it. Do guys also bitch about not getting the ball in the huddle? And more importantly, does Drew Bledsoe know when they're kidding, or does he freak out and try to throw to multiple people on one play, like have a gun in a Nintendo game that shoots in a three-pronged, forked "V"? And if he hasn't tried that yet, is he thinking about it in the film room this week, because the Cowboys are playing a Division I-AA school they just put on their schedule to pad their BCS ranking? I am asking a lot of really stupid rhetorical questions today.

Final Score:

Key Play:

Trailing only 7-3 after an Owens touchdown that caused prescription drug and "supplement" stock prices to drastically dip (a financial joke! Hoo-ha!), David Carr threw to the only person on his offense I've heard of who is not former Steelers TE Mark Bruener because seriously who cares. Unfortunately, Andre Johnson fumbled the ball, and Dallas got it as the half came to a close. His name IS Andre, right?

Least Valuable Player:

Reggie Bush gained zero yards and had zero receptions and zero sacks for the Texans in this game. I am kind of tired of talking about this, and would like to interview Sam Bowie. Is he dead or something?

Game Five: Tennessee Titans at Washington Redskins

Here's the type of game that tests the limits of Tecmo's realism and reemphasizes how much more awesome football is now than it was in 1989 (and not just because the Steelers are better now than they were then). With 26 seconds left, Tennessee came flying down the field, scoring a touchdown on a Collins pass (I wasn't controlling the Tits, so I couldn't put in DangerousMissile, Version Tall) to Drew "I am a white receiver, so you racists probably only think I have good hands but check out these wheels" Bennett as time expired, making it 14-12. I hooted and hollered because I am a nerd who cheers for video game simulations before realizing that, oh yeah, there's no two point conversions. So fuck that.

Final:

Least Valuable Player:

Mark Brunell. Except for this rip-my-heart-out TD pass to Antwaan Randle El, who should leave the pieces as he goes, Brunell should have been watching Matlock reruns and having trouble peeing or whatever old people do instead of playing quarterback in this game. Seriously, Flomax will let you be all homoerotic in the car with your other old people and you won't have to pee so often and it won't feel like razorblades or something.

Game Six: Cincinnati Bengals at Tampa Bay Bucs

Two things about this game: Per reality, I put in the Bucs' backup, but the ROM has it as Tim Rattay, not Bruce "I look like a violent sex offender, seriously look at my ESPN player card, also I am from Pittsburgh" Gradkowski. I'm not sure if this help or hurt, but I hurt the Bucs' chances of winning because I decided to run ONE MORE PLAY instead of kicking the potential game-winning figgie because I wanted to get closer for WHOEVER IS THE KICKER FOR TAMPA BAY I CAN'T KNOW EVERYTHING. So I am a loser, and the Bucs should be called the Bics because I keep typing that and they could get money for pens. Because writing out "Gradkowski" in autographs uses a lot of pen.

Final:

Key Play:

Well, besides the me not kicking, there was this completely realistic Carson Palmer fumble, returned for a touchdown by Shelton Quarles. I always celebrate defensive touchdowns, so, um, hooray. (This made me think of how strange it is that most websites—including some friends of the Ex—use "we" instead of "I" in their posts. I mean, I get that it's supposed to mean that the writer represents the staff and a brand, but blogs FEEL like they're written by one person, and it leads to weird construction, like "we are sitting here eating our favorite candy bar." Anyway.)

Least Valuable Player:

My cerebral cortex. And Derrick Brooks. Which are more alike than you would think. This makes no sense.

Game Seven: Philadelphia Eagles at New Orleans Saints

It's nice, and kind of cute, that the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE allows guys with major physical maladies to play its most glamorous position—quarterback. This game featured quite the Special O pair, with Drew "What is this thing on my face, get it off" Brees paired up with Donovan "Tyrannosaurus Rex Arms" McNabb. Apparently, that is too much malady for one hand, though, and neither was a real factor, with McNabb throwing up on the sidelines (but unable to reach it with the barf bag he had to hold so close to his torse BECAUSE HIS ARMS ARE SHORT) and Brees, well, um, having stuff on his face. Anyway, Reggie Bush WOO WOO WOO.

Final:

Key Play:

I joke and joke, but Drew Brees overcame the distraction on his mug to throw two key passes, to a guy named Henderson and the DOOCE! I will not explain how, but these were important. Consider it a test of your faith.

Least Valuable Player:

Donovan McNabb. Not that you can blame him. His brain is not as well developed as ours. No, not like THAT, Rush Limbaugh!

Game Eight: Seattle Seahawks at St. Louis Rams

So you’ve probably read the story about the people who named their kids ESPN. The parent probably think they’ve just punched a meal ticket or something, but these people are fucking retarded and are complete assholes who should basically put their entire paychecks into retainers for future therapy sessions for this unfortunate child. You’re not going to get any money for VOLUNATRILY naming your kid after a television channel, especially when there’s not some promotion about it. ESPN is the kind of name where you think, “That kid ain’t gonna be a plumber,” but unlike a name like, say, Vonteego Cummings, it doesn’t mean you’re going to become good at sports. If the parents were REALLY smart, they would have given a name with a built-in Berman nickname, like this “Pisa” guy. Obviously, this worked.

Final:

Key Play:

There was just an absolute shit-ton of scoring in this game, but it was a set-up play—this long pass to Jerramy “First Round Bust” Stevens—that allowed Shaun Alexander to score the winning touchdown, probably off-tackle.

Least Valuable Player:

The Rams defense. It breaks my heart to bust on former Steeler and steroid user Jim Haslett, but if the Rams really play like this without the ball, well, they probably will not win four of every five games all year. I have no joke here.

Game Nine: Miami Dolphins at New York Jets

So I love Joey Harrington. I don’t know if this happens for you, but when I play a season on Madden as a team—and play well—I not only overestimate the talents of the players involved, but I also get a little attached to them. Add to that the fact that I just kind of like the Lions, mostly because their non-black uniforms are pretty awesome and, oh yeah, Herman Moore was way tall, and I unreasonably root for Joey Duckboy. And as well as the Jets may or may not be coached, it is a great honor for me to despise their quarterback like I do. Also, the Dolphins HAVE to win eventually. And since they didn’t beat the Texans, well, why not the Jets? I have no jokes this morning! I am useless like you!

Final:

Key Play:

Awesome special teams touchdown/obscure guy score/turning point: Trailing 14-7, the Jets stopped the Dolphins and were set to go on offense except, oh, you so crazy fumbly guy. And Bennie Johnson (A guy named Bennie!) picks it up and scores. I don’t need to put a catheter in you to tell you that this is a problem for the heart of the Jets, specifically in breakage. I always highlight obscure guys because fuck you, Shaun Alexander, you score all the time..

Least Valuable Player:

Chad Pennington. I no like you anyway, and on a last chance comeback attempt on 4th and 27, you threw a SWING PASS when there were guys open downfield. This is a common problem among Tecmo quarterbacks, but it a special honor when you do that. And that honor is the HEY YOU SUCK, HICK BOY.

Game Ten: San Diego Chargers at San Francisco 49ers

For those unaware, this game features the greatest team and greatest runningback in the league, a team that will wear you down with the run and use that rushing to kill clock once they’ve build a lead. They call it NolanBall, and using Frank Gore and Michael Robinson—who seems like he should be a wideout, not a runningback. Is this the first ever “I played QB in college and play RB in the NFL” crossover—they dominated the line of scrimmage. As they scored their second touchdown, I yelled aloud that “The Niners are UNSTOPPABLE!” Which makes me a loser and wrong.

Final:

Key Play:

Doesn’t happen very often, but when there’s a goal line stand in Tecmo—as there was after an Eric Parker reception was stopped on the 1—it’s pretty fucking cool. Yeah, you’ve got to pick the right play two out of three times, but it makes you totally badass.

Can’t really pick one here, so we’ll go with Keenan McCardell, who wasted shitloads of time doing poorly on reverses, only to break San Diego hearts by catching a TD later in the game. It’s like, way to show up now, prick.

Game 11: Oakland Raiders at Denver Broncos

These teams “hate each other” with a passion that runs deep. Unfortunately, it’s kind of like when a kid in first grade (the Raiders) hates the starting quarterback on the high school team (the Broncos). Or like me hating T.J. Houshmanzadeh’s attempts to be a star or Leonardo DiCaprio’s Boston accent. Or you hating Bill Simmons or Chuck Klosterman or something. Because seriously, they give a shit while they’re overloading the world’s wishing wells with their fifty billion pennies and turning down the advances of Congressmen who make them a little horny. I’m going to go hang with Mario Williams. Get it? HANG!

Final:

Key Play:

Oh, did I not mention above that the Raiders won this game? Yeah, um, about that: They TRIED to lose, throwing a pick with 35 ticks left. But the Broncos couldn’t capitalize. I should have put in Jay Cutler. Obviously.

Least Valuable Player:

Jason Elam. This guy’s supposed to be the greatest kicker like ever, but, um, he missed an early Figgie that was the difference in the game. Microsoft Word capitalizes Figgie on its own. Which is crazy.

Game 12: Chicago Bears at Arizona Cardinals

I assume you’ve seen the ESPN Monday Night Football commercials—you know, the ones where they basically say, “Hey, you have nothing else going on on Monday, loserface. Watch our games.” Well, for this week’s EPIC matchup between the admittedly awesome Bears and, um, the CARDINALS, they say “watch as Brian Urlacher takes on Edgerrin as the undefeated Bears play” (and he hushes here) “the Cardinals.” It’s hilarious. You should watch it. I mean, besides, loser, you have nothing else going on. Well, except for that tube sock.

Final:

Key Play:

So the Bears lost this game because they couldn’t defend the toss-sweep. That seems pretty unrealistic because Chicago has fast linebackers, but they MIGHT be surprised if Anquan Boldin was running it like he did in this contest. ‘Quan (as his friends and I call him when we are refurbishing classic cars) went for 156, which is cooler than endothermic reactions in chemistry labs. Cooler than the other side of a dead body! Cooler than sending sexually suggestive emails to pages! Cooler than my apartment when it’s snowing and my landlord hasn’t turned on the heat yet! Seriously! Boo-yah!

Least Valuable Player:

Gale Sayers. Brian Piccolo is my friend. I love Brian Piccolo. And that is why I didn’t do anything in this game. Oh, I was also a closeted homosexual. Feel it! (You may cry now.)

And FINALLY…

Steelers! Chiefs! It's the NFL! Now with more Huard!

Now HERE’s a great game to start an offensive renaissance: Kansas City! Kendrell Bell! A tradition of awesome run-stuffing and pass deflections!

Back in the Cincinnati game, Cowher and Whiz went away from the early-game Cedrick Wilson show, apparently, because it was working and fuck you we’re into doing this thing the hard way. Fortunately, TecmoBen was wearing his throwing hand glove—which is where he stores his ability to avoid retarded decisions—and hit Cedrick for a long TD.

Yeah, Ben threw a pick in the end zone, giving the Chefs a chance to bring it back to 14-10, but it wasn’t enough, Damon Huard! I think I have a crush on you and the girl who is reporting for the NTSB on Cory Lidle’s death! You are both cool customers! XOXO!

What the fuck is wrong with me today.

If you read all the way down here, your computer will send an email to your boss explaining how much time you just wasted. Happy job hunting!