Well, we're on to week two: Previewing every damned NFL game with Tecmo Super Bowl, just as God intended, because I hate sleep and love readers (For those who are confused by this strange, futuristic "Tecmo" and "internets" thing, check out the explanation from the first week here, idiots).

At the request of several readers, including Jason C., I checked how I've been doing against the spread (and against Simmons, also requested). Not great news: Overall, I'm 28-30-2 (9-7 Week 1; 8-8 in Week 2; 5-7-2 in Week 3; and 6-8 in Week 4). Simmons is 29-29-2 for those who were interested (I guess "reading every magazine" and "watching every show on Tivo" and "agonizing over every pick" is worth…one win over a Nintendo game).

Also at the behest of a reader, Derek T., I played some of this week's games as the home team, hoping to mimic "home field advantage." I'm not sure WHY I'm doing this, since, um, I was just about .500 as the away teams, but it's worth a shot. Many thanks for this idea that only kind of confuses me and probably concerns no one else!

An absolute assload of thanks for links of week four: A big thanks again to Will at Deadspin, who mentioned last week's picks here. To Andy Vogel, who put us here. And Steve Noah, who put us on his very cool sports video game site, Operation Sports (No relation to WTAE's Operation Football).

As always, if you mentioned this post in your blog or something and I didn't thank you here, it is because you are not important and I hate you, so go get a pretzel at the mall, bitch (Actually, email me if I missed you because I am a shameless sycophant). If you'd like to talk Tecmo with me for a story or something, I am a publicity whore. Whore means someone who has sex for money. Email me at exburgher@gmail.com and I will oblige your request. Anyway, let's get your face Tecmo-ed off already.

Again, I'm playing these games in "Coach" mode, so slow down on the "How did you not hit that wide open receiver ROFLMAO, you suck at life Joe Rogan" emails. I'm calling the plays, but the computer is (for the most part, poorly) executing them, what with the not winning blocking fights and why do you keep running into your blockers, dumbface.

Please email me to tell me how much you hate this and me at exburgher@gmail.com. If you're interested in playing against me for a specific game of an upcoming preview, or better yet, know a fan of the Steelers' upcoming opponents who would like to play, email me about that, too.

(Note: These previews are 100% intended for gambling purposes. Fuck your couch, NFL.)

(If you'd like to be added to our email list to receive updates of new Tecmo previews and other articles, simply email me a message that says "Join" in the subject line.)

(One other note: I'm able to play with updated rosters thanks to game files from the guys at the Tecmo Super Bowl Repository, most notably Luke Bluske and Matt "Turns out it's pronounced like Obi-Wan" Knobbe. For those of you who want to play Tecmo on your own (or against me), click here for an explanation of how to do it. I'm mostly just going to send you over to my friends at the Tecmo Super Bowl Repository, but you can read my explanation of going there before going there if you want.)

Five hundred ninety-four words of introduction. Let's get to the stupid jokes already.

The Steeler game's at the bottom.

Game One: Miami Dolphins at New England Patriots

It's gotta suck to be Kevin Faulk. I mean, you've been this loyal soul in the Belichick army (which, come one Patriots fans, has to be about as much fun as gang rape) for like six billion years, rockin' the third down back thing in white people-land since Curtis Martin was taking hand-offs from Drew Bledsoe. But this year, they've got this Laurence Maroney guy, with his hippie hair, taking Faulk's carries AND the glory he's been waiting on for the past 83 seasons. And if that wasn't bad enough, he's got this really unfortunate name, so that everyone has to say, "Faulk runs for five. Not Marshall Faulk, though. KEVIN Faulk. The less good one. The one you are not familiar with because he is not famous." Fortunately for Non-Marshall, the Patriots play the Dolphins twice a year. Last week, Miami saved Mario Williams from killing himself with a sack; this week, they save Kevin Faulk. And you thought they just sucked.

Final Score:

Key Play:

New England started their last scoring drive on the two yard line, and weren't able to get it going on the ground. But then Brady—no, not Kyle Brady. The other one. TOM—got all "I will show you who is the rebirth of cool" and threw to Reche Caldwell—who, it is to be noted, Tom Brady is not happy to be throwing to—and he ran like a person who is good to the one yard-line, setting up the touchdown by Not Marshall. I don't think any of that made sense.

Least Valuable Player:

For those who didn't watch last week's Patriots/Bengals game, Corey Dillon is the leading rusher in Bengals history like Jerome Bettis is from Detroit. For comparison's sake, Jerome Bettis (who is from Detroit) doesn't hold most of the Steelers rushing records despite being the fourth-most productive rusher in HISTORY. I don't even have a joke here; maybe I'm not angry enough to be writing this yet.

Game Two: Tampa Bay Bucs at New Orleans Saints

Do you think they even clean bodies up in Texas when there's like a messy suicide in a place that isn't a main thoroughfare? I mean, when you go there, there's like ALL THIS SPACE between everything, and it seems like it might just be simpler to put up a new building rather than try to move the rotting, toenail-less corpse of a 250+ pound defensive end. Fortunately, Super Mario got 1.5 sacks last week against Miami, so we have like six weeks before we even need to find this out. So get on it, people who read this! I won't have time to do this research myself, as I will be text messaging pages to see if I make them a little horny. As opposed to all-the-way horny, which would be gross. I am mixing jokes now.

Final Score:

Key Play:

Lost in the madness of OHMYGOD REGGIEBUSH is the fact that the Saints made a much BIGGER pickup: The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And who did the Texans pick? Carlton. What fucktards.

Least Valuable Player:

Cadillac Williams. Zero touchdowns, while Michael Pittman—who may or may not be dead—scored one. You might say that Cadillac "didn't get out of the garage." Or that "he needs a replacement fan belt." Or that "maybe John Gruden shouldn't have put so many miles on that car in the first year, don't you understand how cars wear out." Seriously, don't slam it. Fram it.

Game Three: Washington Redskins at New York Giants

One of the coolest things about coaching like six billion games against the computer in Tecmo is that the A.I. starts to know your tendencies. They won't always pick your play on a first-down run, but if you run a lot on first, they'll key on it, turning an unstoppable force like Tiki Barber (sadly, I am not kidding) into a useless, one-yard per carry back. It almost makes you respect the computer, especially since it's honest enough to get killed on the long play action pass on first down after you've spent the entire game handing it off. Or maybe I'm just completely retarded and Nintendo A.I. can't really recognize these patterns, because 1) it is eight-bit fucking technology, 2) it "forgot" about defending the run in the second half, and 3) it is a fucking Nintendo. I need to read more.

Final Score:

Key Play:

If you're supposedly a mobile quarterback, maybe it would be wise NOT to take a sack when you're trying to mount a two-score comeback with less than three Tecmo minutes (which is, like, 38 real-time seconds) remaining. Warrants mentioning.

Least Valuable Player:

Clinton Portis. As much as it pains me to say so, with a fumble in the game and not much else, Clinton Portis was not holdin' it down on this day. I'm going to go "hang" out with Mario Williams. (Get it? "Hang"? I KILL ME! Especially while Mario Williams kills Mario Williams because of unreasonable expectations! Also, he does not have toenails!)

Game Four: Detroit Lions at Minnesota Vikings

So let's set something straight: As names go, I had one that was sort of unfortunate for a grade-schooler growing up a wee bit nerdy in an era where magic tricks and the "Salad Shooter" were still prevalent. I understand how it is to have a name that's easily ridiculed. But what I DON'T understand is, even before there were Cheetos and a mascot to represent them, how or why you would name a boy " Chester." Are you like a really big Chester A. Arthur fan? What the fuck is that? Or did the baby come out like leaving cheese shit all over the doctor's hands? Why don't sideline reporters interview Chester Taylor's parents? Wait, am I turning into Simmons on this one? (This has to happen. When I run ESPN8, this will happen.)

Final Score: Vikings 17, Lions 3 (I forgot to screen capture it. Seriously, kill yourself.)

Key Play:

Here's an interesting stat: Antoine Winfield, widely considered to be a pretty elite cover corner, has never been one to get a ton of picks. In seven years as a pro, he only racked up 13, with four of those coming last season. I'm not sure WHY he never got a lot of interceptions before becoming a Vike, but I'm guessing it's because he's SMALLER THAN ME, at 5'9", 180. So what I'm saying is, Congratulations, John Kitna. You threw two interceptions to a tiny little man. Glad to see you're doing your part to help the self-confidence of those around you.

Least Valuable Player:

For as good as "There is Orange Stuff On Your Pants" Taylor was, with 198 yards, his quarterback, cagey veteran and all-ugly All-Star Brad Johnson, was really, really horrible, with ZERO completions. Which is like one for every girl that has ever wanted to sleep with Johnson with the lights on.

Game Five: Cleveland Browns at Carolina Panthers

And here it is: The game in which I openly tried to burn the clock from the outset, with no regard for the game's outcome. Seriously, if you're a betting man (which is just wrong, you asshole), throw the HOUSE at this pick, because I worked really hard at killing two-and-a-half minutes with every Panthers drive, scoring be damned. Honestly, I usually feel pretty bad for Browns fans, but now I just feel like the team should be downsized (or truncated? Well, something that will make Charlie Frye unemployed).

Final:

Key Play:

Basically, this was the most uneventful game that has ever been played. So this touchdown run by Carolina's DeRunningBack the Lesser is actually like the most meaningful play of the game. And now I feel like John Anderson GET TO THA CHOPPA!

Least Valuable Player:

On Sportscenter's "Fantasy Minute" this week, Rece Davis (or Trey Wingo? I'm never sure anymore) was talking about how Charlie Frye is a good backup to have on your team for fantasy, either for "spot starts," or to start in place of "slumping QBs, like Ben Roethlisberger." This statement made me realize that 1) fantasy football is even dumber than I thought it was if Frye is good for ANYTHING and 2) maybe I should be a little less nonchalant about the Steelers' losses thus far. Or maybe I'm right and everyone should stop freaking out because it is the first week in October. Not sure which.

Game Six: Buffalo Bills at Chicago Bears

Does anyone know ANYTHING about J.P. Losman or Cedric Benson? Fuck, we hear about every goddamned time Tom Brady throws a hissy fit or Kyle Orton takes a drink, but NO ONE has given me any biographical information about either of these people, BOTH of whom were first-round draft picks. Seriously, I don't even know what J.P. stands for. And these two guys are going to play major roles in a game between contenders? I mean, yeah, there was the whole "everyone on the Bears hates Cedric Benson" thing, but I live IN CHICAGO and I'm not sure why or if they're justified. And don't give me that "Losman plays in a small market" thing; this is a guy that played at like Louisiana Tech and now starts in a place where there is no sun—how has Countdown not done some retarded feature on this guy?

Final:

Key Play:

Speaking of Losman, who, in case you didn't get it, I know nothing about, the guy threw not one, but TWO heave-ho touchdowns in this contest. Those two plays—one to Lee Evans and another to Josh Reed, perhaps the two most boring-ly named receivers in the history of ever—were the Bills' only offense. So when Losman threw a pick to Nathan Vasher early in the second half with the Bears trailing 14-7, he gave them new life and a new hope that they could return the Jedi to glory and restore balance with the force or something. Because he is Darth Vasher. Which doesn't make sense, but you knew that, nerds.

Least Valuable Player:

Seriously, this is killing me: Not one, but TWO tailbacks from the U have earned this week's LVP. Sorry, the best runningback in the league. I hate myself for doing this.

Game Seven: St. Louis Rams at Green Bay Packers

Basically, there were only two things that mattered in this game: Brett Favre threw a killer interception in overtime to show us all just what a fucking seat-of-his-pants gunslinger he really is, and, oh yeah, Rams wideout Joe Klopfenstein continued his assault on the world's ability to fit names on the backs of jerseys. The Klop Shop (I'm trying out names for my new favorite non-Steeler) came down with the touchdown that sent the thing to an extra frame to begin with, and only I sat around wondering if, um, maybe his parents could have come up with something better than "Joe." Some suggestions include Kleinsasser Klopfenstein, Gotteramerung Klopfenstein, and Buck.

Final:

Key Play:

Are you kidding? Were you not READING about Kleinsasser Klopfenstein? Seriously, I am sitting here trying out his last name, and I keep dotting the "i" with a heart. He's so fucking dreamy. Try saying it: KLOPFENSTEIN!

Least Valuable Player:

Um, Brett Favre threw a killer interception in overtime, leading to a first-down attempt at a field goal by St. Louis. Favre Fevre continues! Feevl it!

Game Eight: Tennessee Titans at Indianapolis Colts

So it's like a well-known fact that Kerry Collins used to be a drunk, right? What I'm unclear about is whether or not he was a drunk when he was leading the Panthers to the conference title game or the Giants to the Super Bowl. Let's just pretend it was both, and ask the obvious question: Why start Vince Young when you can just get Collins all lubed up? This will literally leave opponents "staggering"! It will make the offense "wet"! (Actually, that sounded kind of dirty.) Um, it will make receivers "unsafe to drive"! Because that's what happened in this game, and there was nothing Peyton Manning's laser, rocket arm could do about it! Boo-yah!

Final:

Key Play:

OK, so Kerry "Tom" Collins (that one's a freebie, Berman. Feel free) throws an interception to Mike Doss, who is one of those really cheap Indy defenders that's just waiting for his contract to come up so Daniel Snyder can give him like a billion dollars. Anyway, Doss fumbles, and Tennessee recovers. Which wouldn't be as big a deal (it's kind of a wash) if Kerry Collins "Mix" didn't heave a TD to Drew "Seriously, I'm glad receivers don't have to do touchdown dances because I am white and am not good at dancing" Bennett on the next play.

Least Valuable Player:

Glad you found a way to show up, Marvin Harrison! Oh, wait: You DIDN'T show up! Not in the way that you weren't in the game—because you were—but in the way that you didn't do anything of significance! This is a way people make fun of each other! Your face never changes!

Game Nine: New York Jets at Jacksonville Jaguars

Hey! Another game of running the clock! AWESOME! Of course, I had to bust out the dreaded Jacksonville flea flicker, and I got a big long game to Ernest Wilford. When I did so, TMQ’s son did some cheer about it, and I made sure I did not send him suggestive IMs. Mike Nugent couldn’t muster up enough Cat Scratch Fever to High Enough a field goal over the Stranglehold from 65 yards, so the Jets remained scoreless Wango Tango.

Final:

Key Play:

There aren’t really so many plays that you can say, “hey, this is where the game was won or lost” when it’s a four-score blowout. Just sayin’.

Least Valuable Player:

I don’t know, Eric Mangini’s nutritionist.

Game Ten: Oakland Raiders at San Francisco 49ers

OK, yes, "Madagascar" is kind of a dumb movie, but if you have OnDemand and it's offered to you for free, I almost DEMAND (which is not meant to be some weird pun on OnDemand, I literally demand) that you watch it at least for a little while, if only to see the Lemurs (I think they're lemurs. Striped monkey things) dance to "I Like to Move It Move It." Remember that song? That totally terrible song about dancing? Well, wait until you see it danced to and sung by Lemurs with inexplicable Hindu accents! See if YOU don't describe a bunch of runs by Michael Robinson and Frank Gore as "I Like to Move it!" Honestly, I should probably drink less. Also, boo Raiders, you are not good and Lamont Jordan is not that fast.

Final:

Key Play:

This had nothing to do with the outcome of the game, but in the shadow of his own end zone, Alex Smith threw an interception to THIS GUY. Seriously, look at his name. Also, this was the kind of play you see in like MAC games on ESPN2 on Tuesday night. Actually, I feel kind of bad about saying that about the MAC, a wonderful place to get a shake with Zack and Kelly. Sorry, the MAC.

Game 11: Kansas City Chiefs at Arizona Cardinals

So I did two things that were totally realistic in this simulation: I started the game by putting in the cutest quarterback, like, EVER, Matt Leinart. And then, because he is not just cute but is a rookie, I protected him in the warmth of my womb. Which is to say I ran a lot. What WASN'T realistic was how much success I had with said run, which can be attributed to the fact that Edgerrin James was channeling Bo Jackson. Actually, fuck that, I am sick of referencing Bo Jackson. He was channeling Christian Okoye, so eat a dick.

Final:

Key Play:

Did I not mention that this game went to overtime? I didn't because fuck you, and it pretty much only ended up that way because Larry Johnson was absolutely unstoppable. But it was Dante Hall, who is the X-Factor, idiots, scored the game-tying TD with 15 ticks left. For those who don't know, he is the X-Factor because that is a nickname I think he made up himself and it doesn't make any sense because there are no "X"s in his name and he's more of a "guy who loses yardage a lot on returns" factor. So now he will be known as the "Negative Integer" factor. Make it so, Tecmo Nation!

Least Valuable Player:

Matt Leinart. Yeah, he was 100% on his completions, but I feel like we were expecting MORE from him. Seriously. Turn water into wine or something. Or at least turn semen into illegitimate children. Oh, wait!

Game 12: Dallas Cowboys at Philadelphia Eagles

So I heard there’s this guy that used to play for the Eagles, who now plays for the Cowboys, and it’s some kind of big deal that he’s going back to Philly, where there is apparently a battery factory or something, because AAs are in such high supply that people pretend they’re snowballs or something (and you wonder why terrorists hate us. They don’t even have Game Boys to need batteries). Anyway, I haven’t heard who this Cowboy player is, but I think it’s Jason Witten. Anyway, he got a touchdown. Donovan McNabb was so shaken by the experience that he puked. It looked like really hearty puke, though. Which is nice, because it will help him lose weight in his fat face, which is super fat.

Final:

Key Play:

You know, when there’s a mobile quarterback in the game, defenders need to stay within themselves and not overpursue. But when the QB is as mobile as Drew Bledsoe, it can be a really tall order for the D-men, and it was way too much for the Eagles.

Least Valuable Player:

Apparently Darryl Dawkins thinks that two interceptions is enough for his team to win. And apparently I have forgotten that his first name is Brian. We are both wrong, but at least I can break backboards. Loser.

Game 13: Baltimore Ravens at Denver Broncos

If there’s anything I trust as much as the genius of the mob mentality, it’s the genius of sports fan mobs. No one has ever been so measured in their beliefs, so I always trust their judgment. Which is why I took out Jake Plummer in favor of Jay Cutler, because it’s been, like, forever since the Broncos were good enough to play in a conference championship game. So clearly they need a new quarterback. The move ALMOST worked.

Final:

Key Play:

Seriously, Denver played like 8000 times better after I put in Cutler, cutting a 21-3 lead to 24-17. And the horsies was drivin’ late in the game, even making a long catch to convert a fourth down before, um, fumbling for no reason. To all you youngsters watching this, THAT is what you want to do! THAT is how you execute! (This Key Play brought to you by Frosted Flakes. Derrek Lee works hard everyday to be hurt everyday and never play for the Cubs. In case you were wondering.)

Least Valuable Player:

Seriously, you had a tying drive fumble and you need to know who is least. Of COURSE it is Jake Plummer! He is so worst! He inspired the fumble, obviously.

And FINALLY…

The Main Event:

Pittsburgh Steelers at San Diego Chargers

So I was talking to a buddy about this game today, trying to explain to him why, after watching their late game collapse against the Ravens, I’m not too keen on the Chargers as a world-beater this season. It wasn’t the type of argument I’d usually make, but the REASON I’m not keen on them is a popular harp: Marty Schottenheimer is their coach.

Again, I usually try to stay off Marty’s back. Yes, he’s had losses in the playoffs, but a couple of those—I can think of a couple specific heartbreakers with the Chiefs—came down to botched kicks from his placeman. It’s tough—and it takes some luck—to win the big one. But then I started thinking about that botched drive. Watching the Chargers lose to Baltimore, you could just feel Schottenheimer being stubborn, sticking to his plan even as it crumbled in front of his face. It was “Marty Ball” at its finest, and it kind of made me feel gross.

And that’s what’s different between Schottenheimer and his best pupil, Coach Cowher. Yes, Cowher’s a stubborn guy, too, but he’s flexible. Yes, the Steelers are that tough, physical team that runs up the gut, but Bill’s smart enough to give some of the reins to Ken Whisenhunt, to let him be flexible with the roster, run some tricks, break the game open. I decided to take a page out of Cowher’s book as I simmed his upcoming game: Instead of sticking to the base offensive personnel, I got about as tricky as Tecmo will let you, switching Hines Ward out for reverses by Santonio Holmes and Nate Washington. And the results was pretty good. Take note, MartyBall:…