Well, we're on to week four: Previewing every damned NFL game with Tecmo Super Bowl, just as God intended, because I hate sleep and love readers (For those who are confused by this strange, futuristic "Tecmo" and "internets" thing, check out the explanation from the first week here, idiots).

A big thanks again to Will at Deadspin, who mentioned last week's picks here. And a super-cool shoutout to Lars Bogie, reading the Ex-Burgher from the USS Bulkeley in the Arabian Gulf. (I have boys on battleships, and they will fuck you up, anyone who fucks with them!) As always, if you mentioned this post in your blog or something and I didn't thank you here, it is because you are not important and I hate you, so go get a pretzel at the mall, bitch (Actually, email me if I missed you because I am a shameless sycophant). If you'd like to talk Tecmo with me for a story or something, I am a publicity whore. Whore means someone who has sex for money. Email me at exburgher@gmail.com and I will oblige your request. Anyway, let's get your face Tecmo-ed off already.

Again, I'm playing these games in "Coach" mode, so slow down on the "How did you not hit that wide open receiver ROFLMAO, you suck at life Joe Rogan" emails. I'm calling the plays, but the computer is (for the most part, poorly) executing them, what with the not winning blocking fights and why do you keep running into your blockers, dumbface.

Please email me to tell me how much you hate this and me at exburgher@gmail.com. If you're interested in playing against me for a specific game of an upcoming preview, or better yet, know a fan of the Steelers' upcoming opponents who would like to play, email me about that, too.

(Note: These previews are 100% intended for gambling purposes. Fuck your couch, NFL.)

(If you'd like to be added to our email list to receive updates of new Tecmo previews and other articles, simply email me a message that says "Join" in the subject line.)

(One other note: I'm able to play with updated rosters thanks to game files from the guys at the Tecmo Super Bowl Repository, most notably Luke Bluske and Matt "Turns out it's pronounced like Obi-Wan" Knobbe. For those of you who want to play Tecmo on your own (or against me), click here for an explanation of how to do it. I'm mostly just going to send you over to my friends at the Tecmo Super Bowl Repository, but you can read my explanation of going there before going there if you want.)

Game One: Indianapolis Colts at New York Jets

The Jets had this game in hand—seriously they did—as they continuously ran pass play after pass play while I picked only runs, and oh yeah, the only guy on the Colts who could do anything was Dominic Rhodes because HOLY SHIT IS THAT A BISCUIT? God, biscuits are fucking delicious and I am eating one because my roommate made them from a tube holy flaky goodness OH MY GOD. Wait. I won the game when I stopped paying attention and ATE A FUCKING BISCUIT. Fuck me.

Final Score:

Key Play:

Besides me getting the biscuit? Well, pre-deliciousness, I did call the Colts on a drive that stalled and resulted in a HOLY CRAP THAT IS CLUTCH from Adam Vinati-clutch-i, and the game was decided by three points, so feel the keyness. But also how good biscuits are, losers who do not have biscuits.

Least Valuable Player:

Seriously, who the fuck is this Askew guy? The Jets have this running play built in where they hand it to this dude Askew, and they had SO MUCH FAITH in him that they did it twice in a row with the game on the line, and he did NOT score. Biscuit that was not. Die already, Askew.

Game Two: New Orleans Saints at Carolina Panthers

Just on principle, I rooted for the Saints in this one. NOT because Hurricane Katrina wasa bigger than Hurricane Hugo and NOT because I like going to New Orleans more than I like going to North Carolina, which it is and I do, but because you are an idiot if you don't see that "Saints" is a way cool name for a team from New Orleans and "Panthers" has nothing to do with anything and boy does that helmet look dated panthers are not outlined in blue. That wasn't even a sentence, but the Saints are the smartest for drafting Mario Williams OH WAIT STUPID.

Final Score:

Key Play:

I mostly just ran the ball a lot to preserve the lead, so let's hear it for Deuce McAllister, who is way good and one time ran without his helmet off but everyone forgets that he exists and is the only Deuce-named runningback in the NFL who bothered to spell his name right, Fatty Staley. Also not a sentence. Neither was that.

Least Valuable Player:

Jake Delhomme. You threw zero touchdown passes, and barely threw any good passes at all. Just being the best Cajun quarterback in the NFL is not going to cut it anymore, loser. That's like being the best, um, black guy in the KKK! Wait, no. That doesn't work. Jewish guy in the SS! Also no. IT'S LIKE BEING THE BEST TEAM IN CONFERENCE USA OR SOMETHING! YES! SORT OF! Also, who wears 17? Boo to your number.

Game Three: Minnesota Vikings at Buffalo Bills

Things I didn't know: Todd Pinkston is on the Vikings. (Can someone confirm that this is actually true?) Look at him catching! Has anyone named Todd ever caught passes with less dorkiness? I mean, seriously, how dorky a name is Todd, Todd Sauerbrun and Todd Jones of the Tigers? Also, this: Buffalo kicked (and made) a 70-yard field goal. Is record, methinks. Put it in your pipe and cancerfy your lungs, bitches!

Final Score:

Key Play:

So, I don't really know how to adequately describe this to you without video, but E.J. Henderson (Whose name is Eric N. Henderson, which means he made up the J or something) caught an interception with the Vikes up 13-7 and totally iced the game, and he ran holycrapridiculousfast on the return. THE "J" IS FOR FAST, idiots.

Least Valuable Player:

Let's pick on Minnesota's kicker, Ryan Longwell, who has a porno name and STILL got an extra point blocked. More like Ryan "Erections lasting longer than four hours"Well! Wait, that's all wrong.

Game Four: Arizona Cardinals at Atlanta Falcons

I went this whole game not punting, joyously writing "PTI!" everytime I trotted the Arizona offense onto the field on fourth and whatever: On a fourth and three, a touchdown pass to Anquan Boldin (PTI!), a TD to Bryant Johnson on fourth and three (PTI!), whatever. And I kept writing PTI because fuck you, I watch PTI while I play the games and forgot that Gregg Easterbrook's column—where this week, he made an argument for never punting—is called TMQ, not PTI. I made a mistake. Whatever. Go outside and play HAGFY (hide and go fuck yourself). ople.

Final Score:

Key Play:

After the Cards scored their first TD (on an Edge TD after going on PTI!), the Falcons faced 3rd and 19 after DangerousMissile Vick was sacked (for someone so elusive, he was sacked 8 times. Way to be Dangerous, Missile) when the Weapon of Vick Destruction was felled again AND fumbled AND the Falcons lost the ball because Arizona is awesome. Boo to you, DangerousMissile.

Least Valuable Player:

You're up, Michael Koenen! Not only did the real-life Falcs sign a 65-year old man to kick field goals instead of you, but you got a kick blocked in Tecmo Bowl! As is tradition, you have been deemed least for this feat! Your prize is some shit from Harry and David! I love pears they are delicious!

Game Five: San Diego Chargers at Baltimore Ravens

Remember in Mortal Kombat when there was the "Test Your Strength" thing and you had to push "A" and "C" repetitively to build up the force to break a big block of rubies or something? Well, this isn't going to come through in the screen shots I take, but LaDainian "The Greatest Runningback in the League and If You Question It You are a Racist Even Though Every Runningback Except Mike Alstott is Black, Racist Bastard" Tomlinson cuts up and down so fast that it almost looks like that one kid who could fucking break the rubies is pushing up and down really fast. I mean, fuck you, that guy (at my school, his name was also Greg but was not me).

Final:

Key Play:

When Mark Clayton caught a long-ass touchdown pass to bring the Ravens within 4, I was all like, "Fuck you, Tecmo. The Ravens suck at offense, and even though this will validate my claim that people think the Chargers are way better than they HOLY SHIT LADAINIAN TOMLINSON IS SCORING ON THE NEXT PLAY." Which he did, putting the game away. I am dumb.

Least Valuable Player:

Phillip Rivers. Zero percent passing. Zero. I can't believe this guy went to NC State because he is so good. Oh wait, fuck you, NC State sucks.

Game Six: Miami Dolphins at Houston Texans

So, um, yeah, I forgot to do this simulation. So sue me, that one guy who likes the Texans in the whole world. For what it's worth, I think Houston's going to win. As if you care.

Game Seven: San Francisco 49ers at Kansas City Chiefs

I want to make some sort of "twas the best of halves" joke THIS GAME WAS A TALE OF TWO HALVES. First half: Both teams so bad! So much with the poor offense and interceptions and only two field goals from Kansas City! Second half: Only one team bad! I will let you guess which team! They were outscored by 21 in the half! Continue guessing which team was really bad! You should guess San Francisco because no shit that is what I mean!

Final:

Key Play:

I actually wanted to talk about this more than I wanted to summarize this game. Like I say, the first half was crap: fumbles, picks, stalled drives. But in the second half, Kansas City just busted loose, as if they suddenly remembered they were playing the worst team ever not named Houston. Their offense was going and going and on this play—when the receiver was covered but he still caught the ball—I literally said aloud, "Well, the defense is tired," because I AM RIDICULOUS AND THINK TECMO IS REAL.

Least Valuable Player:

Arnaz Battle dropped like sixty-five passes and posted shitty returns all game, only to catch a long-ass stat-padding catch to the ten with the game WAY out of reach. Not only do I hate stat-padding, but you quickly returned to dropping passes two plays later when Alex Smith threw you the ball in the end zone and you no catchy as time expired. Notre Dame dick.

Game Eight: Dallas Cowboys at Tennessee Titans

I know you're expecting a bunch of "T.O. more like O.D.! LOL!" jokes, but fuck you. Suicide is only funny when talking about Mario Williams (what day do YOU have in the pool?) and this was THE GREATEST GAME (of Tecmo Bowl) EVER PLAYED! The Cowboys trailed 14-3 at the end of the 3 rd quarter, when Drew Bledsoe eschewed years of getting lambasted for choking in the clutch for a "Fuck you, Jobu, I do it myself" and LAUNCHED the 'boys back into the game with two touchdowns to Terrell "I am not allergic to catching touchdowns!" Owens, forcing a 17-17 tie ( Tennessee had kicked a field goal). And after stopping the Tit(an)s on fourth down with five ticks left, Bledsoe launched a touchdown to Jason Witten that literally made me jump out of my chair. So, so awesome.

Final:

Key Play:

With under a minute to play, the Cowboys's Greg Ellis posted a sack to force fourth and 13 with 15 seconds left. It was like his fifth sack (because he's the guy that gets them on picked plays), but this one was clutchness, fuckers.

Least Valuable Player:

The Tit(an)s' offense, all of them. You lost an 11-point lead by not producing, fumbled to set up Owens' second touchdown. At least you did your best to keep the prima donna receiver out of the psych ward or whatever. (And now the T.O. suicide joke: Don't take pills! Audible to the go route! Cut a fly pattern on your forearm! One first class ticket to hell, please.)

Game Nine: Detroit Lions at St. Louis Rams

Pundits (read: people with credentials who make stuff up, too) will tell you that when the Rams were the Greatest Show on Turf, the thing that made them virtually impossible to stop was not their top-flight receivers, but the supporting cast. If you didn't account for Az Hakim's speed, he might not drop a pass that one time. You couldn't count out Dane Looker's great name or Kevin Curtis' catchingness or you would be sad that white receivers made you look foolish. When these guys left, pundits proclaim, the Rams became not as good (it couldn't have been that defenses just knew their tendencies and had evolved, of course). So I am here to tell you that the Rams are CLEARLY back, because they have a guy catching passes named Joe SOMETHING. Look at the score sheet. I can't even reproduce letters in that order. Also, the Lions have a defensive guy named Paris Lenon. He will suck your dick for a dollar.

Final:

Key Play:

It's stupid how close the Lions were to scoring when they fumbled it into the end zone late in the first half, allowing St. Louis to recover. So stupid stop using electricity, Roy Williams, what kind of Amish person are you?

Least Valuable Player:

Kevin Jones, it's not enough to catch a bunch of passes and run for like six billion yards. You play for the LIONS. You must be impervious to tackles and score at all times if you want to win, retard.

Game Ten: Jacksonville Jaguars at Washington Redskins

I slurp TSBR's Matt Knobbe a lot around here, but when he told me I could play (and rewatch) Tecmo games at faster speeds, I basically dryhumped my screen. This was the first game I played on a quicker speed, and, well, it kicked ridiculous ass, especially because the Washington Redskins are no match for the megafast version of the Jags, especially not Matt Jones, who is sick of you commenting on how it's remarkable that he is fast while being white, fuckface. Go be a racist about black quarterbacks or something, me and the white receivers are having a "we would touchdown dance, but we can't!" party over here.

Final:

Key Play:

This had nothing to do with the game, which was pretty much a blowout once I started playing run defense, but when Antwan Randle El scored on a reverse, I almost cried because fuck you, I'm sensitive and a really depressing song about broken hearts was being played on Conan. The song goes, "It's all right, I'm OK, you're gonna break my heart anyway, so leave the pieces when you go," and it is absolutely, no question about stars who leave your favorite team in free agency. Thanks, the Wreckers (I will now demand royalties).

Least Valuable Player:

So, I always tell this story, but when Miami won the national championship, Clinton Portis was being interviewed and was asked about Ken Dorsey's poise. Instead of, I don't know, ANSWERING THE QUESTION, Portis decided to be completely awesome and say, "I don't care about that. I wanna talk about Clinton Portis. Clinton Portis was holdin' it DOWN out there!" I talked about this nonstop for at least a week, but Clinton Portis was NOT holdin' it down in this contest. Where were the TDs, Dolla Bill?

Game 11: Cleveland Browns at Oakland Raiders

When teams that basically represent the different colors of excrement you can flush depending on your diet, it's must-motherfucking-see, like a horrific car crash or a homeless guy who keeps falling down and it is HILARIOUS. So I got a big bowl of popcorn and made kernel crap watching Reuben Droughns fumble four times in the first half and the Brownies STILL make a run at it, only to give up the ball with 44 seconds remaining.

Final:

Key Play:

Did you not hear that Droughns fumbled four times IN THE FIRST HALF? I will not explain this further. He was the worst player on the field by like 600 percent, Charlie Frye included.

Least Valuable Player:

Oh, kill yourself already.

Game 12: New England Patriots at Cincinnati Bengals

This one's been all "it's a foregone conclusion" all week, because apparently no one saw that the Bengals really sucked donkey balls and tried to lose to the Steelers and, oh yeah, the Patriots still have Tom Brady and QUITE FRANKLY THAT'S ALL YOU NEED. But anyway, the ripe-for-a-let-down Bungles suck, they did not make a "statement" against the Steelers, and they cannot stop Kevin Faulk, who I don't think even plays very much anymore. But Chad Johnson really grew up out there before going to watch "Demolition Man" (I totally stole that joke from my friend, TetrisJesus, but whatever).

Final:

Key Play:

Cincinnati loves to run this fucking flea flicker all the damned time, and when Palmer threw it for an interception in the end zone early in the second half, it was a death knoll. And yes, I know words like knoll, jerks.

Least Valuable Player:

Chad Johnson. Growing up apparently means you don't catch touchdown passes and you get stuffed like 63 times on reverses. (Truth be told, I mostly find Johnson harmless more than offensive because, oh yeah, he's a ghost against Pittsburgh).

Game 13: Seattle Seahawks at Chicago Bears

I wasn't sure how to account for "Shaun Alexander MIGHT play," so I put him in as the second RB instead of the first, and gave the bulk of the carries—like 90%--to Maurice Morris (who, I mean, if you're gonna go that far, go all the way and name him "Morris Morris," asshole parents of Maurice Morris). Morris did a pretty admirable job, but the Seattle defense really showed its mettle, holding the surging offensive juggernaut that is the Chicago Bears to three points. It was probably that they were so full of gyros, Niko LONGNAME.

Final:

Key Play:

Marcus Trufant picked off a pass on the third play of the second half, allowing me to kill ridiculous amounts of clock (pretty much the whole third quarter). That's right: I play time of possession games in Tecmo against an 8-bit computer opponent. I'm drawing a bath; you bring the toaster.

Least Valuable Player:

Shaun Alexander. GAWD, nice curse, loser. People who play fantasy are probably way more mad than I will ever understand.