Well, we're on to week two: Previewing every damned NFL game with Tecmo Super Bowl, just as God intended, because I hate sleep and love readers (For those who are confused by this strange, futuristic "Tecmo" and "internets" thing, check out the explanation from the first week here, idiots).

Last week, the picks went 9-7, making them the greatest NFL picks of all time not to make the playoffs. I'm also using these as my picks for Deadspin's Pigskin Pick'em; I haven't looked, but I presume that the picking so many road teams is getting me nice and housed.

As always, if you mentioned this post in your blog or something and I didn't thank you here, it is because you are not important and I hate you, so go get a pretzel at the mall, bitch (Actually, email me if I missed you because I am a shameless sycophant). If you'd like to talk Tecmo with me for a story or something, I am a publicity whore. Whore means someone who has sex for money. Email me at exburgher@gmail.com and I will oblige your request. Anyway, let's get your face Tecmo-ed off already.

Again, I'm playing these games in "Coach" mode, so slow down on the "How did you not hit that wide open receiver ROFLMAO, you suck at life Joe Rogan" emails. I'm calling the plays, but the computer is (for the most part, poorly) executing them, what with the not winning blocking fights and why do you keep running into your blockers, dumbface.

Please email me to tell me how much you hate this and me at exburgher@gmail.com. If you're interested in playing against me for a specific game of an upcoming preview, or better yet, know a fan of the Steelers' upcoming opponents who would like to play, email me about that, too.

(Note: These previews are 100% intended for gambling purposes. Fuck your couch, NFL.)

(If you'd like to be added to our email list to receive updates of new Tecmo previews and other articles, simply email me a message that says "Join" in the subject line.)

(One other note: I'm able to play with updated rosters thanks to game files from the guys at the Tecmo Super Bowl Repository, most notably Luke Bluske and Matt "Turns out it's pronounced like Obi-Wan" Knobbe. For those of you who want to play Tecmo on your own (or against me), click herefor an explanation of how to do it. I'm mostly just going to send you over to my friends at the Tecmo Super Bowl Repository, but you can read my explanation of going there before going there if you want.)

The Steeler game's at the bottom.

Game One: Washington Redskins at Houston Texans

You might think that Houston sucks at picking and picking up players, but that's because you only look at the surface: Sure, the Texans drafted a bit of a bust at runningback with Mario "SuicideWatch" Williams, who keeps lining up at defensive end, but they snuck by everybody in picking up former Denver TE Jeb Putzier. That's right! The Texans were dissatisfied with the amount of putz they were showing at tight end, and they were TOTALLY effective in remedying the situation. So stop buying so much Haterade. It doesn't even taste good, assholes.

Final Score:

Key Play:

Trailing only 14-7 as the clock rolled towards the half, the Texans decided to rush twice with the clock under a minute. Hey, um, Texans? I know this is going to be a little awkward, but I need to remind you that you did NOT draft Reggie Bush (or DeAngelo Williams or Joseph Addai or…), but Wali Lundy. That is all.

Least Valuable Player:

John Hall, kicker, Washington Redskins. It's not often that you pick the placekicker as the goat when his team wins, and especially not often when his team kicks the living piss out of its opponent. But Hall recorded a rare Tecmo feat against the computer: missing an extra point. This is inexcusable. You are least, idiot kicker John Hall. LEAST!

Game Two: New York Jets at Buffalo Bills

So I know I spend a lot of time slurping Matt Knobbe at TSBR around here for his super-cool updated Tecmo ROMs, but this game was totally fucked up (for you Tecmo insiders, I played this one on the "brown" ROM): Willis McGahee is white (but still really good), and Kimo von Olhoeffen is black (also good, and I don't feel compelled to check the spelling of his name now that he's a Jet). The game didn't get much weirder than all that, but it did get worse: three picks, a pair of fumbles, a blocked field goal and a NUMBER of missed conversions that should have been. And thank God: Ugly football's coming back, and it's winning games.

Final Score:

Key Play:

Late in the game (like with 1:30 left), the Jets faced fourth and goal from the six, with the score 14-7. Now, a minute and a half in Tecmo Bowl is, like, 38 seconds, so I, as coach of the Jets, went. No dice. Mean Green would actually get the ball back on the next play with a midfield pick, but couldn't get a first down. Game Ovah!

Least Valuable Player:

Chad Pennington. I almost feel like I created this award for the Hanging One, but haven't been able to give it to him yet. Sure, Kevin Barlow ran for less yards on 10+ carries than Chaddy did on one for six, but it was Pennington who couldn't get it done late. And THAT IS ALL THAT COUNTS, PEYTON MANNING.

Game Three: Green Bay Packers at Detroit Lions

Yes, I kind of like the Lions: They have classic uniforms, come from a cold weather city (even if they play in a Dome), and often have guys—like Kevin Jones and Boss Bailey—who I inexplicably enjoy. But, as Tecmo readers may have noticed, I didn't like the addition of Jon Kitna (fire Matt Millen). Yes, he's unspeakably ugly, but it's more like Detoirt was saying, "Yeah, we've been pretty crappy with good talent over the past couple years, and we will be happy if we go 7-9 or 8-8. Let's get someone who is that average." It was a preseason give-up call (fire Matt Millen). And when the nicest thing I can write in my notes of a VIDEO GAME SIMULATION is "nice checkdown, Kitna," FIRE MATT MILLEN. (I really like the Fire Millen thing, and I kind of miss it firemattmillen.)

Final Score:

Key Play:

After the phenomenal checkdown, Charles Woodson picked off a pass. Seriously. Yes, he still plays!

Least Valuable Player:

Detroit's Offensive Line. Protecting an ugly QB sucks, and you suck at sucking. 63 sacks is unacceptable, even if it is hyperbole FIRE MATT MILLEN.

Game Four: Jacksonville Jaguars at Indianapolis Colts

I don't care what you say: I like Peyton Manning (I actually like A-Rod, too, but that's for another time). I'm not saying I'd want him on my team and I'm not saying he's the greatest quarterback of all time or anything, but the guy seems nice enough and can throw the ball pretty well for someone catching so much shit for not being a pretty boy nancy-pants who can't keep his focus because his team won't overvalue his buddies. But this simulation is probably part of the reason guys hate Peyton so much: Not only did he throw a TD pass from the 10 for the Colts first score after a LOT of good rushing, but the Colts called timeout with 48 ticks left so they could score a winning touchdown…instead of kicking a chip-shot field goal as time expired. So hate away, America, but remember that Peyton is the "rebirth of cool" and you are not, fat ugly people.

Final Score:

Key Play:

On the last play of the game, Jags QB Byron Sandwich completed a desperation heave to TMQ favorite Ernest Wilford, who promptly fumbled the ball to end the game. I was not allowed to watch those Ernest movies growing up HERE IS A JOKE ABOUT GOING TO CAMP.

Least Valuable Player:

Byron Sandwich. Sure, Wilford flubbed that ball, but he was getting tackled on the 30 or something at the time. You, on the other hand, ignored a whole field of open receivers and took a sack on an important fourth down. That shit is not delicious bread and meat.

Game Five: Chicago Bears at Minnesota Vikings

Away teams win so many of these sims because I call the away plays and I am way smarter than Nintendo. Like at least twice as smart. So when my team loses, it's either because of a lack of talent (see Houston last week) or because of some flukey shit. But the Minnesota Vikings are a fully unstoppable force, and are impossible to defeat. And it makes sense: Instead of crying about losing wide receivers or some bullshit in the offseason, they got a big-time offensive lineman and a THERE IS ORANGE STUFF ON MY FINGERS to run. They STILL have a Super Bowl winning quarterback, and they still start Napoleon Harris—a guy from my alma mater who used to stand naked in the locker room and sing that D'Angelo "How does it feel?" song (it's true, a trainer told me so). How can you defeat such greatness? I present a haiku, TMQ-style:

This five syllables.

This is seven, no, this is.

The Minny Vikings.

Final:

Key Play:

After recovering an onside kick while losing 17-14, Rex Grossman threw a pick to…FRED SMOOT! AND THERE WAS MUCH REJOICING! AND SEXUAL ASSAULTING OR SOMETHING!

Least Valuable Player:

I already said Rex Grossman threw a game-icing pick, so instead I will show you this page from "Why Mommy is a Democrat," obviously the greatest book ever written about squirrels who are making sure that that homeless guy doesn't get run over by an elephant (I totally stole this from Gawker).

Game Six: New York Giants at Seattle Seahawks

More like Tiki WOW-ber! That doesn't make any sense but shut up because he is so the goodest! Shaun Alexander should take cues from the WOW-ber, because he is showing you what a bald runningback should run and act like! That is why he has the DirectTV commercials and you are having gapped teeth! Don't you know that gappy teeth are for defensive ends, Leon Spinks? You Leon Stinks!

Final:

Key Play:

The Seattle Field Goals. You made one and you missed one, Josh Brown, while the Giants said, "Fuck field goals. We will score TDs every time we have the ball but one." That is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object.

Least Valuable Player:

Maybe you've heard of catching passes, Jerramy Stevens. It's a good thing you made the Bus leave Detroit without a Super Bowl ring. You are so fucking badass.

Game Seven: Tennessee Titans at Miami Dolphins

This game was surprisingly clean, especially for one with TWO runningbacks named "Brown" (ba-dum-cha!). But seriously, folks: Only one turnover (a Culpepper pick), one boneheaded play (Kerry Collins taking a sack with a field full of open guys), and five rushing TDs? Tecmo purists, rejoice! Off the heezie, indeed!

Final:

Key Play:

Any one of Chris Brown's touchdown runs. He had FIVE, all long, all awesome. Went for 246 in the game. You are cooler than the other side of the Stuart Scott.

Least Valuable Player:

Ronnie Brown. One touchdown? Since you went to Auburn, I will say, "Tigga please!" (I am sitting here being way too proud of myself for that one.)

Game Eight: Carolina Panthers at Tampa Bay Bucs

There! Are! Some! Games! That! Must! Be! Described! Emphatically! A buncha sacks, a first-down conversion on third and 25, three instances of consecutive sacks AND the only all DeNamed backfield in football! You can't beat this matchup of twice-beaten teams! Not even if the game is your wife and you live in the south! Not even with Andoiulle sausage!

Final:

Key Play:

Inside of two minutes, the Bucs faced two long fourth downs—one of 11, and one of 21—and tried running both times. Nice call, Jon Gruden! Oh, you're mad! Don't kill me with your tiny hands, doll man!

Least Valuable Player:

Chris Simms. When your coach chooses to run on two long fourth downs, it is because he really trusts his quarterback, who was raised in an environment that made him tough and gave him a really nice, dark skin tone. Obviously.

Game Nine: Baltimore Ravens at Cleveland Browns

I know it doesn't seem like a lot, but fourteen to sixteen games of Tecmo Super Bowl sort of adds up time-wise, and there are some games—like this matchup between the Stains and the ex-Stains—that I don't exactly relish playing. As a result, I spend most of the time trying to kill clock, which isn't too tough to do: Besides running the ball, passes with roll-outs take a long time, as do punts. Oh, and time passes while kickoffs fly through the air, which can kill a good 30 seconds at a pop. But when Matt Stover REFUSES to kick the ball deeper than the 35, it gets tougher. Seriously, stop being a Brown, Ravens kicker Matt Stover. I hate you and this long-ass game.

Final:

Key Play:

I hate saying "the play that scored the winning points is the key play," because that makes me feel like a really retarded highlights guy who doesn't understand the nuances of the game. So I will say that the long pass that PRECEDED Baltimore's winning TD—a score that came with three seconds left—was the keyest. I am so fucking savvy.

Least Valuable Player:

Charlie Frye, QB, Browns. I ALSO hate just picking the losing quarterback, but when a quarterback runs for almost as many yards as he throws, and his leading receiver has ONE CATCH FOR TWELVE YARDS (even if it was Northwestern alum Jason Wright), you are least. So least!

Game Ten: St. Louis Rams at Arizona Cardinals

I think I just suck at this game (or at least coaching it). Maybe I've simmed so many games recently that I have run out of good strategies and good play calls and am now on some sort of Tecmo downslope, like a fading Packers quarterback (zing!). Or maybe it's just that the Rams are stocked with wait, WHO WOULD SPELL KARLOS WITH A K?What the fuck is that about?

Final:

Key Play:

Quit fumbling, the Rams! Seriously, quit it already! Especially you, Marc Bulger: If you're only going to throw for a completion percentage of um, almost zero, consider not fumbling! AAAAH!

Least Valuable Player:

Torry Holt had like negative eight catches. FREE DANE LOOKER!

Game 11: Philadelphia Eagles at San Francisco 49ers

You know, I really think Alex Smith came of age last week (interception!): He showed poise (fumble!), determination (interception!), accuracy (inter-you get it!). Wait, why are the Niners running the same up-the-gut play six times in a row? Like literally, the same play? That just seems silly, when you have a quarterback who….hey, is Alex Smith giving me the finger? I can't tell, is that his ring or his middle? It's so…stubby (interception)!

Final:

Key Play:

Clearly, the key play was San Francisco's "Run Four," which, as indicated above, they seriously ran six times in a row. See? I could have said they did it 83 times and you would have thought, "You so silly! Hyperbole so silly!" But I switched it up on you.

Least Valuable Player:

Bryant Westbrook. If you're so damned versatile, why are you getting shown up by this Moats character? I have no joke here. Villanova woo woo.

Game 12: Denver Broncos at New England Patriots

Jason Whitlock-level truth (which means I am saying it with my hand on a Jeff George rookie card): I try really hard to beat the Patriots when I'm playing against them. Even though I'm only calling the plays, I call more aggressively against Belichek's boys and don't just try to eat clock, because I want to prove myself against the mastermind of coaches who dress like homeless people and have ridiculous social deficiencies. It's only right, and it's the only way I can show the proper respect to the team, who have earned the shit out of it. The respect, that is. I am in my underwear, which is covered in pumpkins. Not like actual pumpkin-stuff: It's a print. Nevermind.

Final:

Key Play:

After scoring a Tatum Bell TD to put the Broncos up 21-10, I "picked the right play" twice in a row. Sure, the Pats got the first down on a run on fourth and twelve, but take THAT, America! Who's the coaching genius now?

Least Valuable Player:

Tom Brady. I mean, he did OK, but if you're REALLY the second coming, you probably should NOT throw drive-killing picks when you're trying to come back. I'm no Bill Belichek, but that seems not good.

Game 13: Atlanta Falcons at New Orleans Saints

Tecmo computer coaches are huge pussies. Like Camryn Manheim huge (THANK YOU FOR THAT JOKE, 1998! I WILL BE HERE ALL WEEK!). When there's still 26 seconds left in the first half and you don't need timeouts because as soon as you pick a play the clock freezes, why would you kick a field goal on first down? Especially when you are going to miss it? Why do you never see tragedy coming, New Orleans? (Too soon? Hey, lighten up, assholes: I've been to N.O. since Katrina, and was there before it, too. I love the place. I'm just sick of writing "Reggie Bush and Michael Vick" are fast comments. So die already in a sea of broken FEMA promises.)

Final:

Key Play:

MIKE VICK FAST! FUCK SHIT FUCK FAST! (Happy now?) DangerousMissile Vick was actually exponentially faster on scrambles than on his one designed run, which leads me to believe that it's a handicap that's built in. Or maybe he is just more into running when you expect him to throw NOT BECAUSE HE IS A BLACK QUARTERBACK, you racist assholes! Why must you equate this with race? I hate you!

Least Valuable Player:

Drew Brees. Drew Brees has a funny thing on his face and I haven't liked him since college, but when you throw two interceptions in the end zone and you lose a fumble, then the t-shirts are right: Brees Blows.

And FINALLY…

The Main Event:

Cincinnati Bengals at Pittsburgh Steelers

I came out in this game the way I imagine the fo'real Steelers might: Instead of trying to pound the ball up the gut, I lined up four-wide in the shotgun and fired away. In two plays, I'd matched Palmer's second play flea flicker TD to T.J. Houshmanzadeh and tied the game at seven with a Hines Ward TD reception. I was already in business offensively, and I wasn't giving up.

But the offense kind of stalled. Sure, Ben made like DangerousMissile Vick and ran in a TD from about 30 yards out (absolutely blowing everyone away with his speed), but he was throwing picks (four of 'em) and fumbling, too. It looked (and sort of felt) like a "the computer wants to win" situation.

And I started to think that maybe that was OK. Since I started doing Tecmo previews of Steelers games during last year's playoffs, Pittsburgh's never lost in the preview, and were victorious four straight times in real life, too. But it dawned on me last week, just as it did in the '04 playoffs, that the Steelers AREN'T invincible. They can be beaten, and they're not always the best team on the field. And Cincinnati's a pretty damned good team. So maybe, just maybe, they could lose this one to them, and maybe it wouldn't be a surprise or a tragedy or…

PSYCH!!!!!!!!!

Oh, I totally had you going there, didn't I? Lose to the Bengals at home? Not this year, buddy! WE ARE INVINCIBLE!

Least Valuable Player: Your brain! For buying that crap!