Well, we're on to week two: Previewing every damned NFL game with Tecmo Super Bowl, just as God intended, because I hate sleep and love readers (For those who are confused by this strange, futuristic "Tecmo" and "internets" thing, check out the explanation from the first week here, idiots).

Last week, the picks went 10-6, including a completely correct prediction that the Patriots would beat the Bills on a safety (thanks to readers Josh D. and Kevin J. for pointing this out), so put that in your pipe and enjoy deliciousness. I'm also using these as my picks for Deadspin's Pigskin Pick'em, so we'll see how I do, I guess.

Before we get started, a big thanks goes out to Will at Deadspin, who featured week one here, Mondesi's House, who featured week one here, and Peter Schrager at FoxSports, who interviewed me for his column, which you can read here. If you mentioned this post in your blog or something and I didn't thank you here, it is because you are not important and I hate you, so go get a pretzel at the mall, bitch (Actually, email me if I missed you because I am a shameless sycophant). If you'd like to talk Tecmo with me for a story or something, I am a publicity whore. Whore means someone who has sex for money. Email me at exburgher@gmail.com and I will oblige your request. Anyway, let's get your face Tecmo-ed off already.

Again, I'm playing these games in "Coach" mode, so slow down on the "How did you not hit that wide open receiver ROFLMAO, you suck at life Joe Rogan" emails. I'm calling the plays, but the computer is (for the most part, poorly) executing them, what with the not winning blocking fights and why do you keep running into your blockers, dumbface.

Please email me to tell me how much you hate this and me at exburgher@gmail.com. If you're interested in playing against me for a specific game of an upcoming preview, or better yet, know a fan of the Steelers' upcoming opponents who would like to play, email me about that, too.

(Note: These previews are 100% intended for gambling purposes. Fuck your couch, NFL.)

(If you'd like to be added to our email list to receive updates of new Tecmo previews and other articles, simply email me a message that says "Join" in the subject line.)

(One other note: I'm able to play with updated rosters thanks to game files from the guys at the Tecmo Super Bowl Repository, most notably Luke Bluske and Matt "Turns out it's pronounced like Obi-Wan" Knobbe.)

The Steeler game's at the bottom.

Game One: Carolina Panthers at Minnesota Vikings

One of the things I really love about myself is that I don't let the truly important stories fall through the cracks. Lost in the shuffle of Stephen Davis is gone this and Keyshawn Johnson that is that the Carolina Panthers are fielding the NFL's only all DeName backfield, with DeShaun Foster and rookie DeAngelo Williams. They are an unstoppable force of really stupid first names, and they will fuck your shit up on the ground, as they did to the Vikings in this game, running off 140 yards (51 for De the Elder and 89 for De the Lesser).

Final Score:

Key Play:

Here's one of the few things I don't like about the barely-noticeable lack of realism in Tecmo Bowl: The Vikings are now coached by Brad Childress, former offensive coordinator of the Philadelphia Eagles. Tailing by 10 late in the game, the Vikings RAN THE BALL on third and 19, an unforgivable giveup move, but boo you ran almost zero times in many games of coaching the Eagles, baldie. The Vikes did this throughout the late game, despite not having Brian Westbrook (more on this below) You know that Brad Johnson won a Super Bowl DESPITE BEING UGLY, do you not?

Least Valuable Player:

Jake Delhomme, Panthers. I would give this to whoever called the Vikings' plays or Koren Robinson DUI LOL, but seriously, 14% completions? AGAIN? I may not be able to make jokes about how stupid Cajun people are every week, but Delhomme will probably keep trying to win this award, even when his team wins. Seriously, Mark Cuban can only wear that haircut because he could build like a death ray or something if you questioned it, Frankenstein.

Game Two: Buffalo Bills at Miami Dolphins

A confession: I like Barry Sanders better than Bo Jackson in the original Tecmo. Maybe it's that Sanders has three plays to Jackson's two or the fact that he's not illegal to use for most people, but I have WAY more success with Barry. That being said, when Willis McGahee claimed that he was the best runningback in the NFL, I decided to prove him right because you are all stupid and players from the U are always right. So I only called running plays for the Bills in this game, and he went for 313 yards and five TDs. Also, JP Losman sucks and the ROM says Orlando Mare. I hope you know why this is funny, America.

Final Score:

Key Play:

Obviously, I should say one of the two picks by Troy Vincent that kept Miami at bay, but seriously, not talking about how amazing Randy McMichael is shall not pass. IT SHALL NOT PASS! McMichael scored two TDs and caught basically every pass from Culpepper throughout the game (except one by David Boston. Really), including this one that had me mark "huuuuuuuuuge catch McMichael" in my game notes early in the second half. I write my notes in pen on little scraps of paper, and really used all those "U"s. I need a girlfriend.

Least Valuable Player:

Takeo Spikes. Again. Yeah, the Bills won, but you got your only sack after the game was totally sealed, while a who-dat named Marlo Haggan took care of business with three sacks earlier on. Also, your name is still stupid, but now you have to compare to how awesome the name "Marlo" is for a guy. Retire already.

Game Three: New York Giants at Philadelphia Eagles

Hey, remember three minutes ago? When I said that sometimes Tecmo is slightly unrealistic on the playcalling? Well, even though the Eagles outrushed their real-life opponent last week (but seriously, your name is Wali Lundy), it is ridiculousinsaneness that they would do so in this game, which features the very publicized Tiki Barber and the speaks-to-the-ridiculous-depth-of-Auburn Brandon Jacobs. BUT THEY DID. The Eagles ran way way a lot, and I don't mean swing passes, with a person from Villanova totally taking advantages of gaps in Strahan and company (I made a funny about Michael Strahan).

Final Score:

Key Play:

I love offensive lineman the shit out of it, so when one scores what proves to be the winning touchdown, as the Eagles' Jon Runyan did on a fumble recovery in punt coverage, I make like happy. You are most best today, Jon Runyan.

Least Valuable Player:

Tied 14-14, Eli Manning tucked the ball on third and 18 and ran while open receivers kept running and running and running as if they could ever get out of the back of the Tecmo end zone. I try not to pounce on Mannings, but hey you pooped your pants and boo that decision, Elisha.

Game Four: New Orleans Saints at Green Bay Packers

Bad news, Reggie Bush: Matt Knobbe gave me an updated ROM, and you are human in it, so goodbye Bo Jackson stuff (Case in point: The punter tackled you on a return, and he was the first man to the ball. Deal with it). Besides this game was all about players who aren't even recognized by their mothers: The Packers got a defensive TD from a guy named Abdul Hodge and a number of awesome catches from a guy named Greg Jennings. Seriously, that is his name. Fortunately, the Saints were playing the Packers, so Bush still rolled for 148 yards, so I hope they have Fun Dip on that bandwagon, because Fun Dip is delicious.

Final Score:

Key Play:

The game was way tied and the Packers were getting wise to the whole running with Reggie Bush thing when Drew Brees got everyone to bite on the play action and hit Ernie Conwell for a lead that the Saints would never relinquish.

Least Valuable Player:

I was wondering if you would ask how much gunslinging Brett Favre did in this game, and the answer is two closer to George Blanda. Favre Fevre!

Game Five: Houston Texans at Indianapolis Colts

Oh, that's right, bitches: I'm playing with Knobbe's new ROMs, and the Houston Texans aren't just in it, but DOMANICK DAVIS IS HURT. This man is a genius. Wali Lundy actually proved to be pretty OK (think Tampa Bay's Gary Anderson in the original), though his team didn't do him any favors, with blockers standing and watching many tackle "fights" instead of, you know, knocking the defender off so he could go all Bo. Such hating would ultimately lead to the T-men's demise.

Final:

Key Play:

Only trailing 14-7 early in the second half, the Texans multi-talented (getting sacked and trying to run away from getting sacked) QB David Carr dropped back and, as computer-controlled Tecmo Q's are prone to do, waited WAY too long to throw the ball. His pass was deflected downfield, the Cows had to punt, and Peyton threw two quick TDs to Marvin Harrison to clinch it.

Least Valuable Player:

I don't know if Knobbe programmed it in himself, but the Houston offensive line is so bad that I'm sure people will say it is like Swiss cheese, which is clearly not true because such cheese has many holes, where a five-man line can only have three. It is appropriate hyperbole, however, as the line is quite poor.

Game Six: Detroit Lions at Chicago Bears

Look, idiots: No one can stop the Detroit Lions offense, because Roy Williams—a man who can't watch TV because he is the world's only African-American Amish person—said so. And if you don't believe him, take this simulation for example: The Lions scored seven points and only turned the ball over four times. SEVEN! That is a lot of points, stupid America, so shut up and listen to Roy Williams.

Final:

Key Play:

It's not one play, but four, but it was super cool and I like taking liberties (like Samkon Gado! From…Liberty! Thanks, TJ!): Twice after turnovers, the Bears ran reverses not once, but TWO TIMES IN A ROW, with Mushin Muhammed scoring on both sets of trickeration. Some might call such a play a "suicide bomb," but I applaud such ballsy playcalling. Also, it is better than Rex Grossman throwing the ball.

Least Valuable Player:

Jon Kitna. You're ugly AND you kept throwing to Corey Bradford (a TEXANS castoff!) instead of to AmishRoy or who-dat Arlen Harris, who is ridiculous, thank you. Give me Harrington or give me death.

Game Seven: Cleveland Browns at Cincinnati Bengals

Here's the beauty of the NFL: On any given Wednesday morning, a team with nothing on their helmets (and about as much talent on the field) can beat its division's defending champion in Tecmo Bowl. But seriously, for as hard as I tried to make the Browns realistically choke-worthy, their defense is unstoppable and Rudi Johnson kept fumbling (like on every carry). Braylon Edwards, Kellen Winslow and Joe Jurevicius (way to play through the pain!) scored your face off, crappy Bengals defense. Maybe the offense should stop running that flea flicker so much, and also boo Bengals for continuing to pass Go. You lose, criminals.

Final:

Key Play:

The lead was already plenty big, but this TD by Browns RB Reuben Droughns made it 28-0, officially putting the game into "I am not really paying attention anymore" territory, allowing me to make delicious toast.

Least Valuable Player:

The Bengals secondary. Sure, the offense fumbled a lot, but you let Droughns run right through you and allowed I AM A SOLDIER and a lame Jurevicius to score on you, like, constantly. This feels like one of those Real Men of Genius commercials. (Mr. Stop Letting Kellen Winslow Score Bengals Secondary!)

Game Eight: Tampa Bay Bucs at Atlanta Falcons

I'll give you some insight into how these get written: As I watch the game I'm playcalling, I mark down a sketchy play-by-play on a notepad, making sure to highlight key plays so I'll remember the flow of the game. The notes are usually pretty scant, and read like "TD Clayton 21-14." So when I take the time to write out "Fucktard Simms runs as the clock expires—half," that's gotta be a pretty big-time fucktard move, and I better be pretty damned sure that the player in question is, in fact, a fucktard. But it's like God says: The last shall be first, and even fucktards can beat Michael Vick.

Final:

Key Play:

Michael Vick is a dangerous weapon, like missile. After doing something obviously so awesome that I wrote "Vick run wild!" in my notes, Mike/Michael decided it was pick time, and threw a killer INT to Ronde "I bet he resents how many commercials Tiki gets" Barber, setting up the winning touchdown.

Least Valuable Player:

Say hello to the Atlanta defense! Sure, DangerousMissile threw two KILLER interceptions late, but hey, the Falcons HAD been leading 21-7 thanks to que ridiculo Vick runs earlier in the game. That is many unanswered points to give up, fat defense.

Game Nine: Oakland Raiders at Baltimore Ravens

Do you like punts? Seriously, do you LOVE ball relinquishment? Because I have got a game for YOU! After scores on the first three offensive plays of the game, these two teams said, "Hey, remember how we are not with the good?," and launched SEVEN punts in this game. This does not seem like a lot, but note that these simulations take about 12 minutes. I don't know about you, but I am totally on this whole Ravens bandwagon thing. Punts rule ass. (That sounds really gross.)

Final:

Key Play:

Oh, did I forget to mention that Tecmo can't factor in how motivated a player may or may not be? I didn't? Well, yeah, Randy Moss caught the winning touchdown as time expired, and went for 240+ yards receiving in the game. So, um, motivation and team chemistry. Not factored in.

Least Valuable Player:

Lamont Jordan. I feel like I'm always picking someone on the winning team for these awards, but stop fumbling six times and I won't, Lamont. Sure, your team only lost one of those, but that was totally lucky and YOUR TEAM CANNOT PUNT AND BE AWESOME IF YOU FUMBLE THE BALL AWAY.

Game Ten: Arizona Cardinals at Seattle Seahawks

I was confused for this entire game: I kept thinking it was a quarter later than it was, so I played frantically pass-happy at the end of what I thought was the half, but turned out to be the first quarter, and screwed up the EXACT SAME WAY in the third quarter, totally blowing my clock management because I am Herman Edwards. I got pissed off at my QB for running on a play when the clock ran out (at the end of the first quarter), and got REALLY pissed when the Cards kicked deep with a minute remaining instead of attempting the onside (in the third). Fortunately, I had the Arizona Cardinals super video game offense, and they had Nate Burleson. Right? RIGHT?

Final:

Key Play:

With the score tied 21-14, the Cards defense posted a defensive stop and were set to get the ball back with a punt when…seriously? You’re fumbling that? And NATE BURLESON is playing kick coverage and is going to (wow, he is fast) score? And that will be only one of his FOUR touchdowns? Seriously?

Least Valuable Player:

I hate to say it, but Larry Fitzgerald. The former Pitt star did zilch while teammates Edgerrin James and Anquan Boldin were the entire offense (Boldin scored a reverse one time). Um…I don’t think I have a joke here, so stop wearing 11, Isaiah Thomas.

Game 11: St. Louis Rams at San Francisco 49ers

Frank Gore! You won the election! You are so popular! You invented the internet! Oh, wait, no! You actually fumbled FIVE TIMES! And your quarterback threw TWO picks to a guy named OJ Agatwe! He will kill you and your wife and will drive with Al Cowlings! You know him, he is AC! These are exclamatory statements!

Final:

Key Play:

Besides the Gore fumbles? OK, if I have to pick one, um, I will say the opening kickoff. Two plays later, the Rams would go up 7-0 and never look back. And besides, the only other good play happened WAY at the end of the game, and I don’t want to watch this shitfest again to get the photo.

Least Valuable Player:

I'll give you a guess.

Game 12: Tennessee Titans at San Diego Chargers

I said seven punts was a lot before, and I was furreal about that. But this game had six…IN THE FIRST HALF! FEEL the boring! Unfortunately, SOMEONE had to win this piece of shit, and hey, it might as well be the Titans, what with their great quarterback. Who is Kerry Collins. Ladies and Gentlemen: The San Diego Chargers, the greatest 9-7 team of all time.

Final:

Key Play:

I am big on the defensive TDs, so this one goes out to my homeboy David Thorton of the Titans, who scored a superstantial TD on a fumble return to give the Titans a TD lead in the third. (Sure, there was the Titans’ defensive stop in the 4th that set up the winning TD, but you want touchdowns, you damned dirty apes. Here is your touchdowns. So eat! Eat, you savages!)

Least Valuable Player:

Marty Schottenheimer, because he is a huge choker and we should all laugh at his misfortunes together. Way to choke, old face!

Game 13: New England Patriots at New York Jets

You know how sometimes you can wake up from a really intense dream where you were somebody else, and you forget who you are or where you are, kind of like how Tony Soprano had that REALLY ANNOYING dream in his coma? Yeah, well, this game was like this, except when I finally remembered who I was, I had Jesus Christ playing quarterback, so I stopped running like a pussy and let Tom Brady throw to…seriously, does it matter? He is so beautiful! Cue the angels, God! DO IT NOW!

Final:

Key Play:

At the end of the first half, the Jets were trailing 14-10 and had a long kickoff return…that got stopped on the two! As time expired! Your misfortunes slay me, New York Jets!

Least Valuable Player:

To Tedy Bruschi and Rodney Harrison, who had a sack and interception on consecutive plays WAY after the game was over. Sure, Chris Berman will watch this clip on YouTube with ole’ tube sock nearby, but everyone else had taken Peyton’s advice and was watching his brother Eli on another channel, idiots.

Game 14: Kansas City Chiefs at Denver Broncos

I had an absolute blast playing this game, and for the nerdiest reasons possible: 1) Because I was the Chiefs and couldn’t check Denver’s roster, I wondered THE WHOLE GAME if they were playing both Mike and Tatum Bell, or if it was just one of them who had four plays and 2) because Trent Green is hurt and I believe in realism, I put in (whatever his first name is, I think Damon) Huard, and spent the rest of the game arguing WITH MYSELF if his name was pronounced Hu-Ard or Huard (like lard, but starting with hwa). Endless entertainment.

Final:

Key Play:

With like, NO TIME remaining, Larry Johnson fumbled at the end of a long run, killing the Chiefs certain comeback. Fortunately, this was the greatest game-killing choke job by a runningback in NFL history, so bask in the history.

Least Valuable Player:

LL Cool fumble up there.

Game 15: Washington Redskins at Dallas Cowboys

I don’t play fantasy football for a thousand reasons, but here’s one: Pretty much somebody has Mark Brunell as their fantasy quarterback. Mark Brunell…fantasy…doesn’t quite fit, unless you’re into six-foot-nothing left-handed quarterbacks with, um, very little arm left. So yeah, while he was throwing picks to Roy Williams and Terence Newman when he wasn’t throwing balls out of bounds, I was fantasizing about—you guessed it—Drew fucking Bledsoe, who was ridiculously accurate early on with this dink and dunk shit to Julius Jones in this nibble nibble drive that ate up the whole first quarter. And yeah, the ‘skins eventually scored, but it was on a kickoff return by Ladell Betts, so shut up, Mrs. Brunell. Your son sucks.uns.

Final:

Key Play:

I’m not sure it was the keyest of key plays, but TO ran a reverse that went REALLY long to set up a Terry Glenn TD, and the whole thing just felt kinda weird. So that.

Least Valuable Player:

What I didn’t mention before was how Washington got its second TD: As time expired, Mark Brunell ran in for a score from 20 yards out. Little late to show up, dick.

And FINALLY…

The Main Event:

Pittsburgh Steelers at Jacksonville Jaguars

I’m sure that if you’re reading this, you’ve played football (or even just sports) video games before, so I’m also sure that you’re familiar with the “The Computer is Pissed” game, that contest when the computer is just not going to let you win: Every pass you throw to an open receiver is dropped, every long run is a fumble, every missed coverage by your defense results in a touchdown. The game is SICK of losing to you, and dammit, it’s gonna win.

This one felt like a “The Computer is Pissed” moment.

While the Steelers—the World Champion Pittsburgh Steelers—struggled to get a first down throughout the first quarter, the Jacksonville Jaguars were THRIVING on offense using only two plays: a reverse to Matt Jones and a flea flicker on which they threw to Matt Jones. This was all the team called as they marched down the field to an early TD and, after another Steelers punt, towards another certain score.

And then things started looking better. I haven’t waxed much about here on the site, but I really thought I was going to miss Chris Hope. The guy was all-out, and was an unsung personal favorite as he laid guys out with jackhammer hits alongside the Hair’s ridiculous plays. But I was pleasantly surprised when I finally got to see the team in week one that, hey, Ryan Clark hits like a freight train, too. So when Clark picked off a Leftwich pass to set up a long run and score for Willie, I smiled like happy people.

The thing with “Computer is Pissed” games is, the computer lets you think you’ve gotten back in the game. So after tying the Jags at the half and forcing a punt early in the third, I thought I was in the driver’s seat until Jax picked off Ben and I started to think about hitting reset and TOTALLY pissing off my neighbor who HATES when I do that, because, honestly, it is totally cheating. But the Steelers took the ball back and…started to look like the real Steelers: Moving the ball on the ground, mixing the passes in to different receivers and, oh yeah, sealing the deal on a pick from Polamalu. The computer’s pissed? Well, I’m pisseder, bitch. Enjoy my pee.

Key Play:

Yes, Ryan Clark’s INT got everything rolling, but I already talked about it, and Tecmo Bowl is about long passes where your quarterback throws the ball like 80 yards in the air, as Ben did to Cedrick “K is for quality” Wilson to set up the Steelers’ second TD. I think I am out of jokes.

Least Valuable Player: Whoever is the other receiver on the Jaguars. Seriously, dude, Matt Jones is a white wide receiver, and you caught ZERO balls while he got 200+ yards receiving. I think Mario Williams has room at his hanging himself party.

Final Score: