The Ex-'Burgher: Tecmo-ing Your Face Off, Week 1

Football's finally back, and I don't know about you, but I am superduperamazacrazy-stoked for the season. This year, due to the popularity of last year's Tecmo playoff previews (here, here and here), I'm going to be previewing EVERY regular season game using Tecmo Super Bowl because shut up, I like readers and hate sleep.

Instead of whipping the computer's ass every time, I'll be simulating each game in "Coach" mode, where I pick the plays and the computer player executes them, which mostly means that I sit and yell at the screen because why are you not throwing to open receivers and what is with not zig-zagging to avoid people. The game summaries will be way shorter than last year's, with each week's Steelers described in a little more detail.

Please email me to tell me how much you hate this and me at exburgher@gmail.com. If you're interested in playing against me for a preview, or better yet, know a fan of the Steelers' upcoming opponents who would like to play, email me about that, too.

(Note: These previews are 100% intended for gambling purposes. Fuck your couch, NFL.)

(If you'd like to be added to our email list to receive updates of new Tecmo previews and other articles, simply email me a message that says "Join" in the subject line.)

(One other note: I'm able to play with updated rosters thanks to game files from the guys at the Tecmo Super Bowl Repository, most notably Luke Bluske and Matt "Somebody Slob That Man's" Knobbe. My mother reads this site, by the way. I should be killed.)

Yeah, I hate the Ravens. But I also don't care about Tampa Bay and really like winning at Tecmo Bowl, so I wasn't trying to blow this game for Baltimore or anything. No matter: the computer players running the plays I called avoided every open receiver, gaping hole, and chip shot field goal in scoring three points. THREE GODDAMNED POINTS! In Tecmo Bowl! It's probably no help that I mostly stopped paying attention about halfway through the game and started calling flea flickers wildly while thinking about how delicious the Ruby Tuesday burgers would look if that oddly pansexual guy weren't making them sound all icky-sinful. Meanwhile, boo Baltimore for having a flea flicker in your playbook: You know you are the Ravens, yes?

Final Score:

Key Play:

On their first offensive play, TB QB Chris Simms connected with Joey Galloway on a looooooooong, TK-yard pass. The Bucs would score on the next play, and that would be all the points they'd need because the Ravens are confused by the forward pass.

Least Valuable Player:

Chester Taylor, Ravens. Sure, he’s not even on the team anymore, and the quarterback sucked and Jamal Lewis didn't exactly embark on a 2,000 yard season, but it was you, Chester Taylor, who dropped a wide open pass thrown off the aforementioned flea flicker while the game was still in reach. Also, BOO ORANGE CHEESE STUFF ON MY HANDS, CHEETAH-BITCH.

It should come as no surprise to anyone familiar with Tecmo Bowl that the Atlanta Falcons have the Philadelphia Eagles' O from the original cartridge, which is to say that you are all racists and Michael Vick is Randall Cunningham, which is to say he is black and mostly unstoppable. That being said, the Carolina Panthers who—let's pause for a minute and talk about how cool it is that someone put this team into Tecmo Bowl. Also, Steve Smith, who is small and fast and do not trash talk him or not cover him, attributes which were adequately displayed in this contest as he took a reverse 60-plus yards for a score that put the Panthers up 28-14. The game would eventually go to overtime after Jake Delhomme matched Randall CunningVick's two early picks with a pair of his own late. The Falcons' kicker—let's call him Todd Peterson, even if it's not him—missed a potential game-winner with 12 Tecmo seconds remaining, but was ultimately saved by the NFL's bullshit overtime system, which awarded the ball, and let's face it, the game, to Atlanta.

Final Score:

Key Play:

It's really too easy to pick this, but Michael Vick's game-winning, lotsa-yard touchdown to Roddy White DID end the game. So never question his passing ability again, racist assholes. Also die.

Least Valuable Player:

Jake Delhomme, Panthers. I was all set to give this to Vick's two early picks until I saw that Delhomme had completed only FOURTEEN PERCENT of his passes. Fourteen! Maybe you should go back to playing hockey or whatever it is Cajun people do.

The god-like guys editing these Tecmo games only have room for a pre-expansion 28 NFL teams, so they have to leave off four of the league's current squads. In what is sure to be a crucial error in judgment, the Texans aren't in my current ROM, even though Joe Theismann thinks David Carr is great young quarterback. So until I find (well, look for) a ROM that DOES include the CowCows, I can't preview their games. Sorry, that one Texans fan in the universe.

Final Score: Philadelphia 6,000, Texans 2

Key Play: Seriously, fuck you.

Least Valuable Player: Mario Williams, Texans. Hey, way to not be Reggie Bush! Man, does everyone hate you, especially now that Domanick Davis got hurt and it's not your fault! We are probably going to make fun of you until you hang yourself or something, which will probably take a strong rope that ruins your apartment ceiling! I hope you don't plan on getting your security deposit back!

Things started going the wrong way for the Rams from the very start in this contest: When Stephen Jackson took the opening kickoff (don’t ask why he’s returning kicks), he inexplicably rolled back five yards before beginning his return, losing a bunch of yards in the process. The boys from Kingshighway continued the trend throughout the game, moonwalking their way to a whopping six points to combat their three interceptions and fumbled kickoff. Pretty bad ass.

Final Score:

Key Play:

Rams QB Marc Bulger was sacked nine times in the game—nine!—with seven of those at the hands of Nate Webster. So pick any of ‘em and call it play of the game.

Least Valuable Player:

Sure, Bulger threw three picks and completed less passes to his own squad, but … he got sacked nine times. Gotta go Peyton here and throw the O-Line under the bus. So Rams offensive line, die already.

This game was all fucked up from the start: In the ROM I used, the Patriots are wearing their old Pat Patriot duds, Corey Dillon’s name is spelled Cory Dillion, and the Bills can fucking BALL. Buffalo’s Andre Davis is apparently Jerry Rice, because he was doing some WILD Tecmo shit, as were the Bills other receivers, as Kelly Holcomb (!) threw the shit out of the ball to the tune of a good old-fashioned shootout. The Patriots kept pace with long runs from the aforementioned Dillion and one not-gay-at-all TD pass from Tom Brady to Chad Jackson. The Bills had a chance to come back in the fourth quarter, but their clock management was botched because my keyboard was all fucked up and I could only call “run 1” as their play in the last half of the fourth quarter.

Final:

Key Play:

I’m pretty sure you could take a knee even in 1989, but if you’re tackled in the end zone on a kickoff, it’s a safety in Tecmo world. The Pats came hard and grabbed two points on the opening kick of the second half, and that pair proved to be the difference. Which is a pretty fucktard way to win (of course I mean no disrespect to the Pats).

Least Valuable Player: Takeo Spikes. There is no way that is his real name, and the Bills gave up 33 friggin’ points.

This game features two teams OHMYGOD REGGIE BUSH. Because the Saints run one of those weird, one-RB Tecmo offenses, the shrubbery one came in as an every-down back and showed everyone that he is not, in fact, Gale Sayers, but is instead Bo Fucking Jackson. He rolled 50 yards on his FIRST CARRY and wound up with four touchdowns in the game. Of course, Romeo Crennel’s moonhead didn’t help the Stains from going normally boneheaded: Down 21-10 and in close after a long Lee Suggs run (I know he was cut, but I can’t change the other team’s players, so enjoy some burritos already), the Browns passed on THREE consecutive downs on first and goal. Not to go all TMQ, but I wrote game over in my notebook.

Final:

Key Play:

Of course, I COULD have written “game over” as soon as I inserted OHMYGOD REGGIE BUSH into the game before the first Saints offensive play.

Least Valuable Player: Mario Williams. He’ll hang himself yet.

Even as a little pixilated man who is identical to all the surrounding pixilated men, you can totally tell that Lions QB Jon Kitna is way ugly, which does not bode well for any NFL team. So yeah, he DID throw a touchdown pass to Roy “I am the only Amish black guy ever” Williams, but he was doomed from the start to fall to … wait, Matt Hasselbeck is really ugly, too. Fortunately for Seattle, Shaun Alexander used his patented “I am running off tackle inside the five” move to score a pair of touchdowns as the Seahawks rolled what the fuck is a Seahawk.

Final:

Key Play:

With 4:10 remaining in the game and trailing by 14, Detroit went for it on 4th and 19 from their own 10-yard line, which is totally bad ass. Sure, they didn’t make it and it all but sealed the victory for Seattle, but way to look across the sidelines and point out your enormous package to all involved. Bravo.

Least Valuable Player: The officials. Obviously, Seattle only won DESPITE the officiating in this contest, even though there are no penalties in Tecmo Bowl. This is a cheap joke but cheating is wrong, officials. For shame.

Billy Volek is totally awesome! He throws for way many yards and is never a starter! He is on the Titans and is good very great good! You read that and THINK you know how this one turned out, what with the sarcasm and the Jets probably being better in video games than in real life, and you are probably right.

Final: Jets 38, Titans 27

Key Play: Holy crap, catch the ball for Billy Volek on third and not too many so the Titleists don’t have to punt and never come back to even tie the game, you jerk.

Least Valuable Player: Keith Bulluck, it is all well and good to get three sacks in a game, but try to get them when your team is not down by two scores with less than one Tecmo minute remaining, A-Rod. Seriously.

In a game featuring Carson Palmer, T.J. Houshmangazundheit, Larry, Chad, and Rudi Johnson, it is totally awesome to say that a guy named Mike Mazlowski, a lineman for the Chiefs, stole the show and scored an important touchdown in this game. The guy sitting in the cube next to you is probably named Mike Mazlowski, and he probably has a mustache, because football is for regular people even if Chad Johnson likes gold teef.

Final: Chiefs 29, Bengals 28.

Key Play: This seems weird, but when Larry Johnson fumbled the ball on the Cincinnati 1-yard line, the Chiefs’ victory was all but sealed (even if they did have to win it on a 50-plus yard field goal as time expired). KC got a safety on the next play (by Kendrell Bell, of all people) and score again soon after. Two points is so much more than two in Tecmo I think I am starting to feel drunk.

Least Valuable Player: Carson Palmer. I actually don’t hate this guy as much as I probably should, but he should not make a habit of running up to the line of scrimmage to get sacked when he has three receivers open downfield and, oh yeah, an absolute cannon. Doesn’t scream Canton to me.

When Chicago and Green Bay combine for 51 points—even in Tecmo—you know there was a whole lotta sloppy goin’ on, and this game was no exception. Sure, Cedric Benson played like anyone will know he exists in two years (with three TDs and 65 million yards), but there were five turnovers, a safety and a missed field goal in this game. Kill me.

Final: Bears 28, Packers 23

Key Play: With two minutes remaining, the Packers, leading 23-21, decided to pass on three consecutive downs rather than try to run out the clock (two minutes in Tecmo Bowl is like 35 seconds. Seriously). Instead, they only ran the clock to 1:22 with three clanger incompletions, allowing Chicago the time to score the winning TD. Because Herman Edwards coaches the Packers or something.

Least Valuable Player: Sure, the Bears won, but Rex Grossman threw picks on his first two attempts that went for touchdowns, and waited until the fifth drive of the game to complete one to the right squad. He ended up throwing a TD to Jihadi-Bomb Muhammad, but seriously, get hurt already, Grossman.

This game featured two of the most anemic offenses of the wee…Holy Shit, Fred Taylor is really fast in this game. Sure, he only scored one touchdown (the only seven JAX would get), but wow, that is insane: He’s faster than Alexander, Portis, and a whole slew of actually good, not hurt people in this game. Unfortunately, he didn’t get loose much, the Jags couldn’t pass for shit, and Dallas was a clusterfuck of awful second-round Notre Dame runningback and Drew Bledsoe, who, get this, took bad sacks and held the ball too damned long.

Final: Cowboys 13, Jaguars 7

Key Play: Late in the fourth quarter, Bledsoe unleashed a bomb to Jason “Seriously, I drink pickle juice as Gatorade” Witten, setting up the winning TD. It was one of VERY few good offensive plays in the game, especially for Dallas. I am really good at giving nicknames in quotes.

Least Valuable Player: Drew Bledsoe. Yeah, his team won, but you’ve got wide open receivers, it’s Tecmo Bowl, and you’re STILL getting sacked for hanging onto the ball. I don’t think those are numbers that can even be programmed into the game; it must just KNOW that he does that.

Whether or not you’re drinking the Cardinals Kool-Aid this year, it’s hard to argue that they don’t make a very sweet video game offense, so this rematch of the Mexico Bowl seemed a perfect opportunity to Tecmo-flex that O. The Cardinales didn’t disappoint, overcoming some early missteps—a fumble by Edgerrin James, giving up a long pass to, seriously, Antonio Bryant—to do some CRAZY scoring stuff, including five TD passes from erstwhile MVP Kurt Warner. And as the team ran up the score, throwing (!) for a TD with less than a minute on the clock, it was easy to remember that, hey, this is a video game and boo sportsmanship.

Final: Cardinals 35, 49ers 20

Key Play: Trailing 13-7 in the mid-3rd quarter, Dennis Green went for it on fourth down and got the first. The Cardinals would score on that drive and never look back at Alex Smith’s carnie hands.

Least Valuable Player: Apparently taking cues from Carson Palmer’s playbook, Smith ran up to the line to be sacked a TON with open receivers. Even worse, he ignored a streaking, uncovered Bryant in favor of a swing pass on 4th and 18 as the team made a last-ditch effort. People in Utah wish they could drink watching you, jerkface.

I don’t know WHY people have been waiting all damned summer to watch this game, and I think Peyton Manning is an OK guy. It just doesn’t make sense to me to say there’s going to be some sort of rivalry going in this game, as both brothers won’t be on the field at the same time, and more importantly, the game has “Bowl” in the title so Peyton will obviously suck. He didn’t really get the chance in the Tecmo simulation, as the Giants scored pretty much every time they snapped the ball, and the Colts fumbled it pretty much as soon as New York kicked it off. The final score looks like I actually played against the computer; I didn’t.

Final: Giants 49, Colts 13

Key Play: After Indianapolis converted a field goal with 20 seconds to go in the first half, the Giants threw a BOMB to “Why the hell is he so well-dressed” Alfani Toomer for a TD as time expired, making the halftime score 21-10.

Least Valuable Player: Whoever was returning kicks for the Colts. I wasn’t joking about the fumbles. It happened three times. In a row.

If this game is any indication, the Vikings won’t miss Koren Robinson, because Troy Williamson is HOLYCRAPfast. Dude broke off something SICK for two touchdowns and a couple other long one, knowwhatI’msayin’? I am Stuart Scott. Also, Chester Taylor was in this game, too, and was dangerously cheesy in his two scores.

Final: Vikings 35, Redskins 28

Key Play: Late in the game, Clinton Portis fumbled, setting up a winning TD from Chester Cheetah that broke the tie and sealed the upset. He should dress up as where is the stickum.

Least Valuable Player: Santana Moss. Holy crap, midget receivers are so best! Stop being so tall, receivers! Make sure you have games where you barely catch the ball, like Santana Moss did here! So best, midgets!

This game featured the hands-down, no question BEST runnningback in the NFL. He scored four touchdowns, had another reeeeeeeally long run, and caught a couple passes, proving his versatility. He is Justin Fargas of the Oakland Raiders, a team that opened the game with a kickoff safety and kept right on scoring, racking up 37 points in a who has quicker guns.

Final: Raiders 37, Bolts 28

Key Play: Probably the safety. Whatever. It is 5:30 a.m.

Least Valuable Player: Junior Seau. It’s like he doesn’t even play for the Chargers anymore. Totally invisible.

I have been working on these for six hours straight now, and I’m working on a little buzz here, so I don’t mind being frank with you and saying that this was easily the most boring game of Tecmo football I have ever seen. In a game that can usually be counted on for a good 35 points a side, this contest turned out pretty much the way you’re expecting the real life version to: The Ben-less Steelers will win with grit, time-grinding and defense. That the Steelers scored on two polar-opposite plays—a James Farrior safety and an on-the-run TD toss to Hines Ward—was pretty much the only excitement in the bout. I’ll be less brief in describing future Steelers simulations, but this one made me wish I had a disease or something.

Key Play:

After what could have been a disastrous turnover on downs at midfield, the Steeler defense responded with three consecutive sacks to force a Miami punt. This is the kind of thing that would be way cooler in real life.

Least Valuable Player:

Um, I don’t know. Antwaan Randle El, I guess.

Final:

Steelers 9, Miami 7. SERIOUSLY.